Refuting The "Mommy War" Concept

The following is a version (without full names and hometowns) of the feature article from the Spring 2008 Forum, the Mothers and More quarterly publication (http://www.mothersandmore.org/). I found it fascinating to research the experiences of women who have been both stay-at-home moms and full-time work-away moms; there are plenty of implications for social policy and American culture as a whole.

No Doula for These Mothers’ Transition Phases

Childbirth is hardly the only time mothers experience a “transition phase.” Each of the 65 responders to a recent Mothers and More survey has worked full-time since becoming a mother, and had at least one period of stay-at-home parenting. Female flexibility is obvious when our progesterone-softened joints defy physics in childbirth. Yet the psychological adaptations required by common work/care giving changes showcase this flexibility better than any physical transition. Judging by their e-mailed comments, many Mothers and More members are multi-faceted and strikingly flexible. At least half have also had at least one period of part-time paid work in addition to their experience with full-time parenting and full-time paid work while a mother. If at-home parenting and full-time outside work are indeed different cultures with different languages, as some respondents assert, many Mothers & More members are bi-cultural and bi-lingual.

Amy ___is one mother who perceives two different (but not necessarily opposing) cultures: “After first making the transition, I literally felt like I was living in a parallel world that I had heard about but didn't feel a part of….In my experience, working parents and stay-at-home parents are really part of two distinct cultures, and going from one to the other felt a bit like a foreign study experience.”

Kelly ___ also sees two distinct mommy cultures: “I admire the talents of SAHMs the same way I admire the talents of professionals with abilities that I do not.”

A variety of circumstances prompts the transitions from full-time outside work to full-time at-home parenting, which are reportedly less gentle than the transition back into the workplace. Some planned their transitions home for months or years, while others made changes after a personal crisis. Many experienced an emotional, dramatic turning point often related to unsatisfactory daycare settings. Rachel wrote,
"My son was hurt twice in daycare within a month (two trips to the hospital needing six stitches in his head both times). I felt this was a sign to me that it was time to make a change. But being slightly dim, I waited for a couple more signs. One was a chronic illness that I've managed for nearly 20 years flaring to the point where I was on the heaviest medications of my life….The final piece was the earlier death of my father…one of the last times we spoke he said to me, 'raise your son' and these words echoed back to me over the two years to follow to the point that I could only interpret his remarks as a reminder to focus on my family over my career."

Amy __of Chapter --describes another crisis-related transition. "After struggling for a few months, my husband floated the idea of moving to a less expensive state (we lived in New Jersey at the time) by me. I resisted at first since the idea seemed so daunting, but M. contracted a horrible GI bug that was downright scary. I had stopped breastfeeding at six months and used the last of my frozen stash to get her healthy since the pediatrician urged me to do so….It took until Michaela was 18 months old to do all our homework and finally move to our new home."

Heather created a corporate-style visual aid to make a decision to become a SAHM:
"I went to pick-up K. from the sitter…. When I took her, she cried and reached for the sitter….I went home that night and made a spreadsheet of my day’s activities. I found out that I was only 5% of her day and she was not much of mine either….A few weeks later, I resigned my position."

Other survey respondents’ transitions came not out of personal crisis, but as a result of changes in their job or their partner’s income; the birth of additional children; new career opportunities; a cross-country move; prohibitive daycare costs; or a persistent sense of isolation. Many noted that the sense of isolation decreased after becoming active in Mothers and More, although two reported not feeling supported by their local Mothers and More members as they went back to work.

Logical yet taxing transitions

Many respondents report that both they and their families thrived in both lifestyles, reporting no regrets about either life stage, yet even these adaptable mothers found the transition anything but easy.
Collier writes, “I had a difficult time with the transition, having to consciously become aware of and change many of the mothering skills that I had had in place as a working mother. It wasn't easy, and I spent months longing to return to work.”
Cathy also prefers being a SAHM for the present. However, “I NEVER expected to feel this way about being a SAHM. The first [six] months were not easy at all….I am finally loving it after doing it for just over a year.”

These mothers’ comments, like their lives, are complicated and their feelings about their personal mothering/work combinations are often contradictory at any given moment. Most missed their kids while at work and their paid work while at home. Few of them will express a clear preference for one lifestyle or the other, citing the value of making lifestyle choices according to their spouses’ earnings and/or families’ needs at the moment.

Kelly describes a typically complex change: “I was very pleased that I was able to find employment at the same level of pay and benefits that my husband had just lost within a week. I negotiated to work from home two days a week which was a god-send! The other three days, I was commuting 2 1/2 hours EACH WAY! It was killing me, but I was loving every minute. Don't get me wrong....I shed an ocean full of tears about leaving my still-nursing baby. Just because a mother loves to work doesn't mean her heart doesn't ache for her baby.”

Redefining a job well done

Regardless of which lifestyle they prefer for themselves, almost all the respondents missed the concrete positive reinforcement or defined structure of their paid jobs. Erika puts it this way: “…I must say, it was much easier flying 173 passengers through a blinding snow storm with 29 knot crosswinds on a ice covered runway than trying to figure out what your three month old wanted at 2:30 in the morning! At least with the airplane, I could tell it what I wanted and it would respond the way I asked!”

Terri also struggled with changing rewards. “I think the hardest thing is not having the feeling of accomplishment or the recognition of a job well done as a stay at home mom. There are no reviews, no raises to show what kind of job you are doing.”

Almost all the SAHMs report that eventually, they were able to redefine their expectations for a job well done, whether or not they eventually returned to the paid work force. Collier ultimately found happiness in her “mother abroad” experience: “Now, I've gotten over the culture shock, learned the language, and become comfortable in my stay-at-home world.”

In fact, many college-educated, formerly career-minded mothers were pleasantly surprised by how much creativity and pleasure they found in their new duties as SAHMs. Laura “I did not realize how much of my physical, emotional, and creative energies were committed at work until I was able to use 100% of those energies at home.”

Michele explains, “I tried to take housework and cooking to the ‘next level’ and make it special, whether it be a nicer meal or a new way to arrange the furniture, or whatever…. I enjoy working inside the home much more than outside the home.”

Bank accounts, but no paychecks, with their names attached

It is not surprising that monetary issues create stress when one parent’s income doesn’t seem adequate; however, the money-related stress extends even to families with balanced budgets. Many respondents who thoroughly enjoy their SAHM roles report that it is difficult to part with their breadwinner roles, regardless of their partners’ earnings. They value their own mothering work, but many still feel guilty spending money—and the source of that guilt is themselves as much or more than their spouses’.
Sciortino says, “Thankfully, my husband and I have never fought about money. I imagine that could be a huge source of strain otherwise. I just feel better about spending money when I’m adding to our bank accounts--whatever small amount it may be. “

It should be noted that the majority of respondents expressed a long-term preference for part-time paid work, a compromise lifestyle of sorts. Not surprisingly, when they describe the decision to seek paid work on their terms eventually, the word “flexibility” appears again and again.
Laurie writes, “I wouldn’t go back to working full-time, because my husband and I feel it’s important for my daughter to be with me most of the time during these early years…. I also wouldn’t go back to being a full-time SAHM, because my daughter needs the socialization of being with other children and the experience of being away from Mommy and Daddy to build her independence.”

Challenges aside, “no regrets” is a common theme for mothers with diverse work and care giving experience. After adapting their budgets, sources of motivation, relationships, and skills, they take their life lessons to heart as they move into the future with their families. Katie echoes the sentiments of several respondents: “I love being back at work, but I also would not have traded the first year I had at home with my daughter….I feel lucky that I had that SAHM experience, but I have no regrets about my decision to go back to work full time.”

Ultimately, each mother had to find a very personal, unique sense of balance, a balance that lasts only until her next major transition. Dawn is an example of a formerly employed SAHM who knows that there is more “sequencing” to come: “I still have a desire to make my own money and use my talents, so I am trying to figure out what is next.” Kauffman concurs: “I don't think I'll be an at-home mom, forever, though. I feel some part of me is missing, and one day I'll be ready to reclaim that part.”

Going between full-time paid work as a mom to full-time care giving, and often back again, echoes the dramatic transformations of pregnancy. The resilience demonstrated by mothers passing through these whiplash transitions rival the highs and lows of the adoption process. The moms surveyed made the most of various life stages with resourcefulness and extreme flexibility, through some very stressful times. Lifestyle changes will always be part of parenting, and the 65 respondents seem very much up to extreme transitions with no handbook to guide them. Yet many of those who have experienced both extremely demanding full-time jobs and sometimes isolated mothering make it clear that in the future, no matter what combination of duties comprises their week, their ideals are forever sharpened to include what inspires them, what motivates them, and what fits their own unique family’s values.