I'm struck every Christmas that I really couldn't tell you definitively who is and isn't part of our family. With whom do we have meaningful connections?
It's a little gray, really. I spent tonight driving 40 miles round-trip to visit my step niece-in-law and her premature twins at a hospital, per the request of her concerned mother and auntie. Technically former step niece-in-law, as my husband's stepmom passed away some years ago. Until tonight, I didn't know these little twins' mom was expecting again. Meanwhile, I don't receive or send a single Christmas card from any of my 63 Irish-American first cousins. Who is family, and who isn't?
This is a Mexican-American family that wears their hearts on their sleeves. They give and expect family loyalty from even shirttail relations. I have to say: I like their style. It's not my birth family's style by any stretch, but I like it.
It's become very apparent that the holidays are stressful for many people, not just cocoa and gift wrapping--between my husband and me, we have one good friend hospitalized with depression; one grandparent hospitalized with a stroke; one baby step nephew seriously ill; one great step aunt recovering from surgery; and one uncle hospitalized with a heart attack. The holidays can be hard on families!
I doubt I'll ever be able to make a list of exactly who I consider our family, but I do hope it's a list that will grow, not shrink, over time. We watched the fascinating documentary Sicko recently, and I'm struck that Americans are so busy working and trying to take care of their families singlehandedly, with very few social supports, that we have little opportunity to enjoy our nuclear families, let alone former step-nieces-in-law in their times of need. I'm hoping to learn some more lessons from this particular branch of our family forest!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Community Is A Quirky Thing
Yesterday was our monthly lunch/speaker series at work. It's always a village effort to feed about 50 neighbors 65+, about 1/3 receiving rides from our volunteer drivers. It's almost always an inspiring symbiosis of personalities and effort, yesterday in particular.
This event, in addition to the diverse collection of luncheon guests, featured live Irish music; Irish step dancing; 20 elementary students from the neighborhood Quaker school who joined us to watch the entertainment; and at least three Jewish volunteers/guests who graciously listened to the talented musicians' explicitly Christian Irish and Scottish folk songs without complaint.
Knowing much about the challenges and sadness in the personal lives of many of our guests--a number who have spent time in transitional care centers (nursing homes) but returned home, a number currently in treatment for depression--made it extra poignant to observe their enjoyment of the quirky drama that is our "Second Tuesday" luncheon.
This blog is to salute all the people who find inspiration to be generous to others in the holiday season, and the other 11 months of the year. I'm still smiling thinking of the quirky quilt that is this neighborhood event.
This event, in addition to the diverse collection of luncheon guests, featured live Irish music; Irish step dancing; 20 elementary students from the neighborhood Quaker school who joined us to watch the entertainment; and at least three Jewish volunteers/guests who graciously listened to the talented musicians' explicitly Christian Irish and Scottish folk songs without complaint.
Knowing much about the challenges and sadness in the personal lives of many of our guests--a number who have spent time in transitional care centers (nursing homes) but returned home, a number currently in treatment for depression--made it extra poignant to observe their enjoyment of the quirky drama that is our "Second Tuesday" luncheon.
This blog is to salute all the people who find inspiration to be generous to others in the holiday season, and the other 11 months of the year. I'm still smiling thinking of the quirky quilt that is this neighborhood event.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Generations, Rural/Urban Balance
I'm feeling a little sentimental after a week in my Midwestern hometown for Thanksgiving. There's nothing like hearing my dad say he ate "Manchurian-some-dam*-thing" at the Chinese restaurant or seeing my niece perform in a play at my old high school. Even though I elect to live in a city 400 miles away, I value feeling rooted to this place. My husband sat through 1.5 hours of family slides spanning 50 years and four generations. These are iconic family images firmly burned into my brain, not unlike the branded calves featured in some, and somehow, having seen them, I think he's more deeply ensnared in the family web. At one point during the slide saga, our five year-old's cousins tried to entice her to play, and she refused, declaring righteously, "No! I've always wanted to see what it was like when my mommy grew up!" She is an endearing little suck-up, that one.
I should mention that it's all a little extra bittersweet because our mom passed on about 2.5 years ago. Connecting to my hometown is connecting to where she lived almost her entire life. I'm appreciating people there, including my aunts, uncles and cousins, more than I ever could as a stir-crazy teenager eager to move on. So much of what we urban yuppie parents work so hard to recapture is so innate there--community, tradition, belonging to a spiritual/religious group, firmly defined values, kids doing meaningful work at an early age, storytelling, fresh air and time outside. Not all of their firmly defined values are still mine today, and some new ones I've come to feel strongly about aren't as easy to locate there as some places, but I admire them still.
It takes constant mindfulness to retain the best of our parents' and grandparents' lifestyles, while being open to the contributions of our children and grandchildren. I love hearing my moms' brothers say my three year-old looks just like their late grandma. I muddle this balancing act of the best of the old and new all the time; I'm just grateful I have inspiring examples before me, and after me, to work with.
I should mention that it's all a little extra bittersweet because our mom passed on about 2.5 years ago. Connecting to my hometown is connecting to where she lived almost her entire life. I'm appreciating people there, including my aunts, uncles and cousins, more than I ever could as a stir-crazy teenager eager to move on. So much of what we urban yuppie parents work so hard to recapture is so innate there--community, tradition, belonging to a spiritual/religious group, firmly defined values, kids doing meaningful work at an early age, storytelling, fresh air and time outside. Not all of their firmly defined values are still mine today, and some new ones I've come to feel strongly about aren't as easy to locate there as some places, but I admire them still.
It takes constant mindfulness to retain the best of our parents' and grandparents' lifestyles, while being open to the contributions of our children and grandchildren. I love hearing my moms' brothers say my three year-old looks just like their late grandma. I muddle this balancing act of the best of the old and new all the time; I'm just grateful I have inspiring examples before me, and after me, to work with.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Mothers and More article
The following is the text of a feature article I wrote for the Summer 2007 Forum, the national publication of Mothers and More, an outstanding national advocacy organization for mothers (http://www.mothersandmore.org/). I thought I'd share it with an audience wider than the M and M membership, as the stories of the moms interviewed are timely and interesting.
For A Few Lucky Moms, The New Life/Work Balance
In many literary and historical accounts of stay-at-home moms, their side jobs are portrayed as a forced, pragmatic action in the face of unexpected economic hardship. The phrase “having to take in washing,” suggests that at-home mothers in bygone eras sought out part-time work only under duress.
But in 2007, having a home-based side job is a hard-won goal of many at-home moms, including some who could live comfortably on their partners’ incomes. In this dream, today’s mother works a few hours a day in her home office while in the adjoining room, her bilingual children build a scale model of a peaceful village featuring a mosque, a church, and a temple. These dreamy siblings without rivalry interrupt their mother only for the occasional hug, kiss, or architectural critique. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, they spend the day with their doting grandmother, no daycare center required.
Kim Comatas of Farmingham Area, Massachusetts Chapter 95 was one mom who saw herself enjoying the 2000 version of having it all. However, she was disillusioned more than once in her transition to motherhood. “I thought I'd be able to work part time a few days from home, but that didn't happen. My employer went back on their original offer after I had the baby.”
Comatas turned to buying and selling on eBay as her second job. She managed to bring it about $200/week for 20 hours of work. However, she writes, “It was a big misconception when I thought I could work on the computer while the kids played quietly in the other room. The biggest surprise was the room I left to enter items onto eBay was not the same room I returned to!”
Molly Remer, an unchaptered member from Rolla, Missouri, echoes the sentiment that flexible, home-based work comes with its own stressors. She writes, “(I was surprised by) “how difficult it is to balance even fairly small work commitments with motherhood.” Since Remer quit her full-time job, she has sold the following, mainly via the internet: used books; self-published booklets; doll accessories; handmade soap and body products, and baby slings. She has also served as a survey participant, Childbirth Educator, Assistant Director of an intensive annual craft school, and postpartum doula.
Remer writes, “The challenge of managing these other jobs with also taking care of my babies is pretty significant! I have learned to prioritize and "trim" the money-making ideas/commitments that I'm not truly enthusiastic about.” Remer articulates her family’s ultimate work/life goals this way: “My anticipation of future work life and earnings for both my husband and myself was to have a primary home-based life, pursuing personal interests with small businesses and volunteer work, and generating sufficient income for a simple life….So, far we have not yet been able to free my husband from ‘wage slavery’ to join the rest of us at home, but that is what we're working towards!
In a survey, 85% of Mothers and More members said their ideal work situation would be less than 30 hours per week. According to surveys by Work & Family Connection, Inc., working parents in search of a work/life balance want “the ability to alter the time at which they start and end their workday” the most (80% of respondents’ polled). The next wish would be the ability to work from home (70%). One-third would like to work less or share a job (www.workfamily.com). It is not terribly surprising that many employed mothers would like to work less. What did surprise me was my recent realization that that almost all the voluntarily at-home moms I know would accept a part-time job if it were in their field of interest and compatible with their children’s schedules.
A CNN.com article would suggest that a work life Comatas’ or Remer’s is definitely the way to go. ”More than 70 percent of independent professionals report being "very satisfied" with their work situation, according to a new survey by conducted by national polling firm Penn Schoen & Berland, compared with just over 50 percent of salaried employees.” (Bills, Steve. “Freelancers found happier.” Nov. 8, 2000. CNNMoney.com).
For most mothers, especially outside the Mothers and More demographics, the work part-time from home dream remains just that, a dream. Given the cost of health insurance housing in safe areas with good public schools, most families have few options but to work two full-time jobs. According to The Two Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Parents are Going Broke by mother/daughter economists Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi, our unique modern ability to buy cheap, plentiful consumer goods and technology is deceiving. Mass production allows us to afford many things, but these gadgets are small consolation for families whose incomes have actually decreased in relation to the cost of housing and health insurance in recent decades. The authors even have a name for this misconception, in a chapter called “The Over-consumption Myth.”
Clearly, the moms who make the latest life/work dream work for them are a resourceful and fortunate minority. Among those employed at lower wages, only 4% even have the option of working any hours at home. Only a slightly higher 11% of higher wage earners have this option. (“What Workplace Flexibility is Available to Entry Level, Hourly Employees?” Families and Work Institute, November 2006).
Erika Armstrong of Evergreen/Mountain Community, Colorado Chapter 169 was eventually able to transition to independent, family-friendly work that even enabled her husband to quit his traditional job. Armstrong’s family’s income was cut by two-thirds when she quit her job as a commercial pilot. She describes the decision to quit her job after working 15 years to become a captain as “gut-wrenching.” However, she has no regrets. Today, her husband runs the small home builder warranty management company she began upon entering parenthood. They have two employees. Using an old barn on their property to board horses brings in additional income, as well as pleasure for their daughters. She describes her life as “Nothing fancy but we’ve found a great way to make a living and we’re both home at the end of the day!”
Even among the families who can afford an unpredictable second income, independent work-from-home arrangements are not easy to come by. Some professions lend themselves to the home office better than others. Writers and graphic designers pop up over and over in the mompreneur stories.
Tracy Salmon of Columbus, Ohio, Chapter 51 is keenly aware of the difficulties that come with fitting work around primary responsibility for childcare. She knew the change in her work hours would impact her family financially. In fact, she “expected to be poor.” She works as a Registered Nurse five ten hours shifts every two weeks while her husband or parents care for her children. Combining her income with her husband’s full-time work, they are able to meet the children’s needs but not to save. “There is no extra!” she writes. She adds, “My employer is one of the largest home care companies in the U.S. and still they have no regard for a SAHM. I am scheduled for mandatory meetings on my days off and told I cannot bring my children.”
Gina Kasmerski of Twin Cities East, MN Chapter 299 had a less disillusioning transition to flexible part-time work. Her prior company hired her to be a part-time project manager for 15 months after she became a mother. “It was terrific because I was able to work out of my home office in the odd hours that I wasn't ‘mommying’ and learn some new skills to boot,” she comments. Midway through that role, she was recruited to do some consulting work by an associate from 10 years previous. As a result, she formed a very small consulting business, leaving her confident and hopeful about an eventual return to full-time work with pay to rival her colleagues who didn’t opt out of traditional corporate life for several years. By her own admission, Gina is very fortunate, both in terms of personal fulfillment and family budgeting. Gina’s family is able to devote her income to long-term goals and savings.
For Amy Coffey of Green Bay, Wisconsin Chapter 179, fitting work around full-time motherhood is turning into a return to her college major and her dream of being an art teacher. On September 11, 2001, she was a highly paid and pregnant employee of an investment firm in the Sears Tower in Chicago. “As my workplace became a target for terrorists, I instantly knew that I could never return to work there.” Her family took advantage of her husband’s promotion to Minnesota, where the family scaled back so she could become at-home mom. Her own itch to go back to work part-time, when her youngest was 18 months old, surprised her. It took a long time to figure the right part-time jobs. At first, she earned additional income by providing childcare in her home and at her church. After another move and encouragement from a friend, she now has three part-time jobs she loves: in retail at a scrapbook/stamping/beading store, where she hopes to teaching craft classes; as a Parent/Child swim teacher; and in her own business, her true passion, Art Fun with Amy. “I teach toddler and preschool art classes, with an emphasis on the process and having fun. My college degree is Elementary Education, so I’m thrilled to be finally doing something with my teaching background!”
For the past five years, I have considered myself a very blessed part timer. I work 20 hours per week, flex hours, for a non-profit. I have lots of variety and autonomy, and my hourly wage is competitive with my past life as an unhappy junior high teacher.
Like most part timers, I have the luxury of enjoyable part-time work only because I am married to someone with a traditional job, someone willing to take on solo morning parenting as well as carry our health insurance through full-time work on the evening shift. As someone who would love to be an at-home mom, I put a high value on at least being able to take the girls from my husband by 1:30 every day. A few moms, whose children are in childcare, have told me that they envy my family’s arrangement. Yet ironically, my ability to avoid the Supermom routine hinges on my husband’s willingness to be Superdad.
I am a typical part-time employee in that I do not have health insurance or retirement through my small, otherwise progressive non-profit. I do have a small health stipend, sick time, vacation time, and even compensatory time. We would much rather have one larger income, leaving me free to cook more “slow food” family dinners and dabble in free-lance writing. Yet the moral of The Two Income Trap lurks in my head: One major accident or sickness could endanger our middle-class status. Without my job, we would eat but forgo emergency savings, retirement, life insurance, and disability insurance. Nor would we be able to help my sister, my single mother counterpart, on occasion.
Despite its drawbacks, part-time and home-based work can be a positive experience. Many Mothers & More members—Tracy, Erika, Amy, Gina--expect their sense of purpose and fulfillment to come from both plenty of hours with their children each day and at least some outside paid work each week, whether or not their financial contributions are absolutely necessary. But as long as both part-time paid jobs and care giving are undervalued by employers, Social Security statements and even relatives, it will take a collection of factors to achieve a satisfying combination. Some of the factors that help are multi-tasking, momprenuership, partners who carry our health insurance and cook, and endless creative problem solving.
Amy Coffey sent me a late-night e-mail as I wrote a second draft of this article. She wanted to let me know that her part-time positions are on hold while her family adjusts to her son’s diagnosis of juvenile diabetes. She said I might not want to use her story in light of this news. On the contrary, her situation illustrates an important reality: when family needs arise, moms with flexible part-time jobs can rise to the occasion without endangering their families’ economic well-being. For this, Coffeys is grateful. “It is nice to have some flexibility - especially with my own business.”
Still, Comatas offers encouragement to moms who want this particular version of “having it all: “I would encourage other moms to find what brings them joy and excitement…. Call your favorite store, and ask if they're hiring. Be specific about your desires for a job, and the number of hours you're willing to work. Work for companies that have daycare on site for free (like the YMCA) and are flexible when your kids are sick, or start classes in your home….Don't be afraid to try something new. Don't forget that being a SAHM itself is a HUGE job and the most important one of all!”
I'd love to hear your experiences of combining work and caregiving!
--Ponka93
For A Few Lucky Moms, The New Life/Work Balance
In many literary and historical accounts of stay-at-home moms, their side jobs are portrayed as a forced, pragmatic action in the face of unexpected economic hardship. The phrase “having to take in washing,” suggests that at-home mothers in bygone eras sought out part-time work only under duress.
But in 2007, having a home-based side job is a hard-won goal of many at-home moms, including some who could live comfortably on their partners’ incomes. In this dream, today’s mother works a few hours a day in her home office while in the adjoining room, her bilingual children build a scale model of a peaceful village featuring a mosque, a church, and a temple. These dreamy siblings without rivalry interrupt their mother only for the occasional hug, kiss, or architectural critique. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, they spend the day with their doting grandmother, no daycare center required.
Kim Comatas of Farmingham Area, Massachusetts Chapter 95 was one mom who saw herself enjoying the 2000 version of having it all. However, she was disillusioned more than once in her transition to motherhood. “I thought I'd be able to work part time a few days from home, but that didn't happen. My employer went back on their original offer after I had the baby.”
Comatas turned to buying and selling on eBay as her second job. She managed to bring it about $200/week for 20 hours of work. However, she writes, “It was a big misconception when I thought I could work on the computer while the kids played quietly in the other room. The biggest surprise was the room I left to enter items onto eBay was not the same room I returned to!”
Molly Remer, an unchaptered member from Rolla, Missouri, echoes the sentiment that flexible, home-based work comes with its own stressors. She writes, “(I was surprised by) “how difficult it is to balance even fairly small work commitments with motherhood.” Since Remer quit her full-time job, she has sold the following, mainly via the internet: used books; self-published booklets; doll accessories; handmade soap and body products, and baby slings. She has also served as a survey participant, Childbirth Educator, Assistant Director of an intensive annual craft school, and postpartum doula.
Remer writes, “The challenge of managing these other jobs with also taking care of my babies is pretty significant! I have learned to prioritize and "trim" the money-making ideas/commitments that I'm not truly enthusiastic about.” Remer articulates her family’s ultimate work/life goals this way: “My anticipation of future work life and earnings for both my husband and myself was to have a primary home-based life, pursuing personal interests with small businesses and volunteer work, and generating sufficient income for a simple life….So, far we have not yet been able to free my husband from ‘wage slavery’ to join the rest of us at home, but that is what we're working towards!
In a survey, 85% of Mothers and More members said their ideal work situation would be less than 30 hours per week. According to surveys by Work & Family Connection, Inc., working parents in search of a work/life balance want “the ability to alter the time at which they start and end their workday” the most (80% of respondents’ polled). The next wish would be the ability to work from home (70%). One-third would like to work less or share a job (www.workfamily.com). It is not terribly surprising that many employed mothers would like to work less. What did surprise me was my recent realization that that almost all the voluntarily at-home moms I know would accept a part-time job if it were in their field of interest and compatible with their children’s schedules.
A CNN.com article would suggest that a work life Comatas’ or Remer’s is definitely the way to go. ”More than 70 percent of independent professionals report being "very satisfied" with their work situation, according to a new survey by conducted by national polling firm Penn Schoen & Berland, compared with just over 50 percent of salaried employees.” (Bills, Steve. “Freelancers found happier.” Nov. 8, 2000. CNNMoney.com).
For most mothers, especially outside the Mothers and More demographics, the work part-time from home dream remains just that, a dream. Given the cost of health insurance housing in safe areas with good public schools, most families have few options but to work two full-time jobs. According to The Two Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Parents are Going Broke by mother/daughter economists Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi, our unique modern ability to buy cheap, plentiful consumer goods and technology is deceiving. Mass production allows us to afford many things, but these gadgets are small consolation for families whose incomes have actually decreased in relation to the cost of housing and health insurance in recent decades. The authors even have a name for this misconception, in a chapter called “The Over-consumption Myth.”
Clearly, the moms who make the latest life/work dream work for them are a resourceful and fortunate minority. Among those employed at lower wages, only 4% even have the option of working any hours at home. Only a slightly higher 11% of higher wage earners have this option. (“What Workplace Flexibility is Available to Entry Level, Hourly Employees?” Families and Work Institute, November 2006).
Erika Armstrong of Evergreen/Mountain Community, Colorado Chapter 169 was eventually able to transition to independent, family-friendly work that even enabled her husband to quit his traditional job. Armstrong’s family’s income was cut by two-thirds when she quit her job as a commercial pilot. She describes the decision to quit her job after working 15 years to become a captain as “gut-wrenching.” However, she has no regrets. Today, her husband runs the small home builder warranty management company she began upon entering parenthood. They have two employees. Using an old barn on their property to board horses brings in additional income, as well as pleasure for their daughters. She describes her life as “Nothing fancy but we’ve found a great way to make a living and we’re both home at the end of the day!”
Even among the families who can afford an unpredictable second income, independent work-from-home arrangements are not easy to come by. Some professions lend themselves to the home office better than others. Writers and graphic designers pop up over and over in the mompreneur stories.
Tracy Salmon of Columbus, Ohio, Chapter 51 is keenly aware of the difficulties that come with fitting work around primary responsibility for childcare. She knew the change in her work hours would impact her family financially. In fact, she “expected to be poor.” She works as a Registered Nurse five ten hours shifts every two weeks while her husband or parents care for her children. Combining her income with her husband’s full-time work, they are able to meet the children’s needs but not to save. “There is no extra!” she writes. She adds, “My employer is one of the largest home care companies in the U.S. and still they have no regard for a SAHM. I am scheduled for mandatory meetings on my days off and told I cannot bring my children.”
Gina Kasmerski of Twin Cities East, MN Chapter 299 had a less disillusioning transition to flexible part-time work. Her prior company hired her to be a part-time project manager for 15 months after she became a mother. “It was terrific because I was able to work out of my home office in the odd hours that I wasn't ‘mommying’ and learn some new skills to boot,” she comments. Midway through that role, she was recruited to do some consulting work by an associate from 10 years previous. As a result, she formed a very small consulting business, leaving her confident and hopeful about an eventual return to full-time work with pay to rival her colleagues who didn’t opt out of traditional corporate life for several years. By her own admission, Gina is very fortunate, both in terms of personal fulfillment and family budgeting. Gina’s family is able to devote her income to long-term goals and savings.
For Amy Coffey of Green Bay, Wisconsin Chapter 179, fitting work around full-time motherhood is turning into a return to her college major and her dream of being an art teacher. On September 11, 2001, she was a highly paid and pregnant employee of an investment firm in the Sears Tower in Chicago. “As my workplace became a target for terrorists, I instantly knew that I could never return to work there.” Her family took advantage of her husband’s promotion to Minnesota, where the family scaled back so she could become at-home mom. Her own itch to go back to work part-time, when her youngest was 18 months old, surprised her. It took a long time to figure the right part-time jobs. At first, she earned additional income by providing childcare in her home and at her church. After another move and encouragement from a friend, she now has three part-time jobs she loves: in retail at a scrapbook/stamping/beading store, where she hopes to teaching craft classes; as a Parent/Child swim teacher; and in her own business, her true passion, Art Fun with Amy. “I teach toddler and preschool art classes, with an emphasis on the process and having fun. My college degree is Elementary Education, so I’m thrilled to be finally doing something with my teaching background!”
For the past five years, I have considered myself a very blessed part timer. I work 20 hours per week, flex hours, for a non-profit. I have lots of variety and autonomy, and my hourly wage is competitive with my past life as an unhappy junior high teacher.
Like most part timers, I have the luxury of enjoyable part-time work only because I am married to someone with a traditional job, someone willing to take on solo morning parenting as well as carry our health insurance through full-time work on the evening shift. As someone who would love to be an at-home mom, I put a high value on at least being able to take the girls from my husband by 1:30 every day. A few moms, whose children are in childcare, have told me that they envy my family’s arrangement. Yet ironically, my ability to avoid the Supermom routine hinges on my husband’s willingness to be Superdad.
I am a typical part-time employee in that I do not have health insurance or retirement through my small, otherwise progressive non-profit. I do have a small health stipend, sick time, vacation time, and even compensatory time. We would much rather have one larger income, leaving me free to cook more “slow food” family dinners and dabble in free-lance writing. Yet the moral of The Two Income Trap lurks in my head: One major accident or sickness could endanger our middle-class status. Without my job, we would eat but forgo emergency savings, retirement, life insurance, and disability insurance. Nor would we be able to help my sister, my single mother counterpart, on occasion.
Despite its drawbacks, part-time and home-based work can be a positive experience. Many Mothers & More members—Tracy, Erika, Amy, Gina--expect their sense of purpose and fulfillment to come from both plenty of hours with their children each day and at least some outside paid work each week, whether or not their financial contributions are absolutely necessary. But as long as both part-time paid jobs and care giving are undervalued by employers, Social Security statements and even relatives, it will take a collection of factors to achieve a satisfying combination. Some of the factors that help are multi-tasking, momprenuership, partners who carry our health insurance and cook, and endless creative problem solving.
Amy Coffey sent me a late-night e-mail as I wrote a second draft of this article. She wanted to let me know that her part-time positions are on hold while her family adjusts to her son’s diagnosis of juvenile diabetes. She said I might not want to use her story in light of this news. On the contrary, her situation illustrates an important reality: when family needs arise, moms with flexible part-time jobs can rise to the occasion without endangering their families’ economic well-being. For this, Coffeys is grateful. “It is nice to have some flexibility - especially with my own business.”
Still, Comatas offers encouragement to moms who want this particular version of “having it all: “I would encourage other moms to find what brings them joy and excitement…. Call your favorite store, and ask if they're hiring. Be specific about your desires for a job, and the number of hours you're willing to work. Work for companies that have daycare on site for free (like the YMCA) and are flexible when your kids are sick, or start classes in your home….Don't be afraid to try something new. Don't forget that being a SAHM itself is a HUGE job and the most important one of all!”
I'd love to hear your experiences of combining work and caregiving!
--Ponka93
Friday, September 28, 2007
My Hubby Truly Enjoys Hockey Against a 2 y/o
Long time, no blog. I bet all three of my regular readers are just crushed!
My husband introduced himself after I did at our parent/child class this week. I mentioned that my professional/personal lives converge in terms of general "caregiving issues," and it touched me when he mentioned that as a respiratory therapist/a.m. dad, his two lives converge this way as well. He's always been a great dad, but he's enjoying the role and taking ownership of it more each year. To put it a little cornily, he's exploring more of his full humanity beyond gender stereotypes. He can cook and help little kids get ready for school so much better than six years ago. (But make no mistake: still very into hockey and paying absolutely zero attention to fashion--some manly things never change).
Anyone who's been married/partnered for more than a couple years has probably had the chance to marvel at a partner's growth in some area or another. It's a definite perk of long-term relationships. I can't imagine what my grandmother felt when Grandpa died, after 60 years of marriage together. Frankly, I'd rather not.
Friends coming for dinner--gotta run. Luckily close friends who won't mind that it's a rather thrown-together, spontaneous menu in a not-yet-clean house.
My husband introduced himself after I did at our parent/child class this week. I mentioned that my professional/personal lives converge in terms of general "caregiving issues," and it touched me when he mentioned that as a respiratory therapist/a.m. dad, his two lives converge this way as well. He's always been a great dad, but he's enjoying the role and taking ownership of it more each year. To put it a little cornily, he's exploring more of his full humanity beyond gender stereotypes. He can cook and help little kids get ready for school so much better than six years ago. (But make no mistake: still very into hockey and paying absolutely zero attention to fashion--some manly things never change).
Anyone who's been married/partnered for more than a couple years has probably had the chance to marvel at a partner's growth in some area or another. It's a definite perk of long-term relationships. I can't imagine what my grandmother felt when Grandpa died, after 60 years of marriage together. Frankly, I'd rather not.
Friends coming for dinner--gotta run. Luckily close friends who won't mind that it's a rather thrown-together, spontaneous menu in a not-yet-clean house.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Oh, the needs out there!
It's one of those days where I see the world through crimson-tinted glasses; that is, a quasi-social worker's awareness of all the human needs that could keep us all busy a long time. Among the people I spoke with today:
*someone in chronic pain caring for a spouse with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
*an illiterate, undocumented day laborer from another country, disappointed that I'm unable to act as his caseworker as well
*a hardworking person who can't work outside the home because his/her stroke-survivor spouse needs 24-hour care, so they're behind on bills
*a cancer patient whose best friend died very suddenly this week
These are just some of the stories that make me impatient with people who complain of boredom, or a missing sense of purpose. Volunteermatch.org, baby. Whether you like to write grants, shovel snow, design websites for charitable organizations, or visit homebound people, there's work that needs done. It's amazing what could get done by cutting out a few hours of TV watching a week.
So now I've exposed myself for the brown-haired Pollyanna I am. And here's my idea for the day: Wal-mart Co. should pay for at least five full-time social workers to serve the customers and employees at each store location, because every time I'm in that store (FOR WORK, to help people get their meds, never my own choice), I overhear people talking about overdue rent; people obviously in poor health picking up their meds; people caught shoplifting; people treating their children badly; people buying cheap plastic things that might make our children sick; people who look completely depressed or stressed out; people loitering for what looks like hours in front of the store. 10 minutes at that particular Wal-mart is more depressing for me than a whole day on the phone with some of the people in situations above. If Wal-mart stores concentrate that much misery in one place, and profit from it, they should address some of the issues people bring in.
"Welcome to Wal-mart! Can I help you access mental health care or apply for food stamps?"
And yes, systems change to eliminate some of the REASONS so many are poor, depressed, sick, lonely, etc., would be even better. I get that.
*someone in chronic pain caring for a spouse with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
*an illiterate, undocumented day laborer from another country, disappointed that I'm unable to act as his caseworker as well
*a hardworking person who can't work outside the home because his/her stroke-survivor spouse needs 24-hour care, so they're behind on bills
*a cancer patient whose best friend died very suddenly this week
These are just some of the stories that make me impatient with people who complain of boredom, or a missing sense of purpose. Volunteermatch.org, baby. Whether you like to write grants, shovel snow, design websites for charitable organizations, or visit homebound people, there's work that needs done. It's amazing what could get done by cutting out a few hours of TV watching a week.
So now I've exposed myself for the brown-haired Pollyanna I am. And here's my idea for the day: Wal-mart Co. should pay for at least five full-time social workers to serve the customers and employees at each store location, because every time I'm in that store (FOR WORK, to help people get their meds, never my own choice), I overhear people talking about overdue rent; people obviously in poor health picking up their meds; people caught shoplifting; people treating their children badly; people buying cheap plastic things that might make our children sick; people who look completely depressed or stressed out; people loitering for what looks like hours in front of the store. 10 minutes at that particular Wal-mart is more depressing for me than a whole day on the phone with some of the people in situations above. If Wal-mart stores concentrate that much misery in one place, and profit from it, they should address some of the issues people bring in.
"Welcome to Wal-mart! Can I help you access mental health care or apply for food stamps?"
And yes, systems change to eliminate some of the REASONS so many are poor, depressed, sick, lonely, etc., would be even better. I get that.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Feeling A Little Raw
I'm still reeling a bit today from a conversation I had with another mom yesterday. If I understood her point through her high emotions, I think it was, "You're not qualified to have opinions on breast pumps because you didn't work as many hours away as I did." I wasn't trying to be any final authority, but rather mentioned what worked for me when the topic came up. This is someone I respect, and enjoy, as a woman and fellow mom, and I didn't see the attack coming.
I think my incredibly wise friend who happens not to have children summarized it best when she said, "There's so much pressure on moms today to be perfect that it makes people crazy!" As an occasionally crazy mom, I think she nailed the phenomenon. It's a little scary out there in mass media parenting land.
But no time to work--I'm off to a meeting about services we offer for caregivers of elders. I wonder, do baby boomers caring for elder parents experience the same subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) competition? Anyone want to comment?
I think my incredibly wise friend who happens not to have children summarized it best when she said, "There's so much pressure on moms today to be perfect that it makes people crazy!" As an occasionally crazy mom, I think she nailed the phenomenon. It's a little scary out there in mass media parenting land.
But no time to work--I'm off to a meeting about services we offer for caregivers of elders. I wonder, do baby boomers caring for elder parents experience the same subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) competition? Anyone want to comment?
Monday, September 10, 2007
New Beginnings
Our first baby boarded the big yellow school bus to kindergarten last week. She's on cloud nine, in love with the whole experience. She's too self-conscious to freeze-dance in front of her classmates, but otherwise, her confidence is soaring. Her dad and I are thrilled for her. She feels so ready to take on a whole host of new challenges: reading, writing, dealing with bullies, making friends, and more.
My sister and I went to a workshop tonight on chemical abuse by elders, and one of the best points made by the speaker was that contrary to popular belief, you can teach an "old dog" new tricks; more respectfully put, like kindergarteners, older people can learn and change in significant ways, even kicking a long-standing drug habit.
While I pray she'll never have to kick a drug habit, I sure like to think that our daughter's eyes will still be sparkling with discovery and possibility even when those eyes are framed by lots of wrinkles!
I propose we begin regarding everyone else--at every age--much as if they were a kindergartener:
My sister and I went to a workshop tonight on chemical abuse by elders, and one of the best points made by the speaker was that contrary to popular belief, you can teach an "old dog" new tricks; more respectfully put, like kindergarteners, older people can learn and change in significant ways, even kicking a long-standing drug habit.
While I pray she'll never have to kick a drug habit, I sure like to think that our daughter's eyes will still be sparkling with discovery and possibility even when those eyes are framed by lots of wrinkles!
I propose we begin regarding everyone else--at every age--much as if they were a kindergartener:
- chock full of potential,
- with some annoying habits learned from their families, and the media
- still learning some of the rules,
- but capable of tremendous growth if we just care for them at their level.
At the risk of oversimplification, just imagine how we could all change for the better if approached with a kindergarten teacher's perspective!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Summer's A Good Season For Root Growth
The summer has flown, but I'm pleased to say we've met our primary goal of feeling at home in the new house and neighborhood. We continue to meet nice neighbors of all ages, or get to know them better, every week, and are pretty enthused with the church we've found. It was frankly an incredibly stressful, arduous process to buy and sell houses in a coordinated way, so if we did have buyers' regret at this pont, we'd probably be pretty bitter! The process pushed our organizational skills and physical stamina to the limit, along with presenting some parenting challenges helping the kids transition. Just ask my husband and kids how crabby I got at times, if you don't believe me.
At work, I know lots of elders with the urge to move, but many are not comfortable with the internet (for housing research, getting rid of things, and more), and physically aren't up to all the labor involved in moving. Some feel stuck as a result. If anyone's looking for a new non-profit concept, it would be free/sliding fee moving management. There's plenty of pricey help available, but so many can't afford it.
Happy late summer to all. May you find yourself in a safe, positive home, whatever it is.
At work, I know lots of elders with the urge to move, but many are not comfortable with the internet (for housing research, getting rid of things, and more), and physically aren't up to all the labor involved in moving. Some feel stuck as a result. If anyone's looking for a new non-profit concept, it would be free/sliding fee moving management. There's plenty of pricey help available, but so many can't afford it.
Happy late summer to all. May you find yourself in a safe, positive home, whatever it is.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The Red Tape Hits Home
There has been an interesting turn of events this week related to our toddler's speech disability. We learned that we may actually have a shot at therapy covered by insurance, to supplement the 1 time/week from the school district. Several phone calls later, (to our clinic, her current therapist, our insurance, her prospective therapist, to my sister for moral support) we're awaiting the verdict and hopeful. I'm just bitter our two year-old may have missed out on months of frequent therapy because the health insurance literature was deceiving.
I kind of take her delayed speech for granted on a daily basis; we have our ways of communicating, and she's generally happy. But when I start seeing her preschool peers later this month, I know it'll hit home that we're missing out on knowing what she's thinking more. There's a hard-of-hearing stroke survivor at work who seems so incredibly peaceful and trusting in those such as her husband and me when we communicate on her behalf. I'm kind of amazed she isn't more frustrated; if her husband weren't the sensitive, intuitive partner he is, her life might be hell. When I don't adequately intuit our two year-old's feelings and say them aloud for her, as in, "You really wanted your sister to share that, didn't you?" she breaks down in alligator tears that break my heart.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that our daughter will continue to find her voice, and that those of us able to communicate can pick up on the important things some can't say.
I kind of take her delayed speech for granted on a daily basis; we have our ways of communicating, and she's generally happy. But when I start seeing her preschool peers later this month, I know it'll hit home that we're missing out on knowing what she's thinking more. There's a hard-of-hearing stroke survivor at work who seems so incredibly peaceful and trusting in those such as her husband and me when we communicate on her behalf. I'm kind of amazed she isn't more frustrated; if her husband weren't the sensitive, intuitive partner he is, her life might be hell. When I don't adequately intuit our two year-old's feelings and say them aloud for her, as in, "You really wanted your sister to share that, didn't you?" she breaks down in alligator tears that break my heart.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that our daughter will continue to find her voice, and that those of us able to communicate can pick up on the important things some can't say.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Caregivers of All Ages, Unite!
There's a Sandra Boynton children's song, "I Need A Nap." It runs through my head a lot, because it's catchy, and because I'm often fantasizing about a nap. After attempting to cut through the red tape keeping people from things such as health insurance, walkers that fit, and clinic visits, I'm having trouble switching gears to be Mommy Again.
I had to cut a work call short because of "my next appointment." I often don't tell the social worker or caregiver on the phone that my next appointment is to go home to the kids, so my husband can take his turn at work. Some people seem surprised, even disappointed, that I work only part-time. When I have reason to explain my hours, in order to schedule an appointment, for example, I intentionally adopt a matter-of-fact, confident tone: "I work half-time, mornings." It is not a stretch for me in my work role to advocate for caregivers, because most of every day, I am a hands-on primary caregiver. My care recipients are both under six, unlike the 70, 80, and 90+care recipients at work, but I still believe we have more in common than not. I'm excited about the national conversation about caregiving that's getting a little louder all the time.
On that note, I'm off to do dishes before the kids finish their show. (The one hour a day of TV time they're allowed seems to fly by!)
I had to cut a work call short because of "my next appointment." I often don't tell the social worker or caregiver on the phone that my next appointment is to go home to the kids, so my husband can take his turn at work. Some people seem surprised, even disappointed, that I work only part-time. When I have reason to explain my hours, in order to schedule an appointment, for example, I intentionally adopt a matter-of-fact, confident tone: "I work half-time, mornings." It is not a stretch for me in my work role to advocate for caregivers, because most of every day, I am a hands-on primary caregiver. My care recipients are both under six, unlike the 70, 80, and 90+care recipients at work, but I still believe we have more in common than not. I'm excited about the national conversation about caregiving that's getting a little louder all the time.
On that note, I'm off to do dishes before the kids finish their show. (The one hour a day of TV time they're allowed seems to fly by!)
Friday, August 24, 2007
Am I Hip Enough to Blog?
A Toddler On My Hip, as I Talk On The Phone about Someone’s Hip Replacement…
Who wants to read the daily to weekly musings of a suburban mom/urban social worker? Seriously—not a rhetorical question. Because I’m itching to get back to writing, and thinking a blog might provide just enough structure and stimulation to get me going. At any given time, my heart and mind are busy with the very young (our two daughters) or the very old (the elders served by the non-profit where I work mornings). It’s a pretty rich life in terms of vicarious human experience, but I’m all too often too rushed or preoccupied to appreciate all of it. I have almost perfect autonomy, and take it for granted. (I feel guilty about that—I may be Protestant in practice, but my Catholic guilt is alive and well!)
The constant exposure to the two age extremes is a somewhat unusual existence for someone in her early thirties, especially considering that I have almost no contact with my actual age peers (outside my husband). Our kids aren’t in school yet, and our opposite childcare/work schedules with no outside childcare don’t exactly make for a hopping social life. If it weren’t for listening to talk radio while I drive, and occasional internet news, I’d be even more illiterate in pop culture outside of child development or gerontology. I’m happy to have a strong nuclear family, but honestly, we could use a little more contact with the outer electrons.
But enough about my own navel-gazing. I’m hopeful this blog can ultimately be less navel-gazing, more shared illuminations of life’s challenges and graces as I get to witness them through the elders and our kids. Today, unable to reach something on the top shelf of the fridge, my daughter sighed, “It’s so hard being little.” Unable to reach something in the bottom drawer of the dresser, some elders at work have sighed, “Old age isn’t for sissies.” At a life stage where I can reach the top and the bottom shelves, my occasional sighs are accompanied by the refrain, “Can I finally stop multi-tasking and just live?” My serene, well-balanced retired neighbor commented in passing that she didn’t have large flower gardens until her kids were older. I hear the cautionary note in her gentle, non-threatening conversation. She’s already noticed I’m often too busy pruning the roses to smell them. I love it when she admires my kids, because it helps me appreciate their beauty and promise anew.
Sometimes, I leverage work experience as a mother. “Honey, if you don’t brush your teeth well enough, you’ll have dentures and those never fit comfortably!” Or I leverage mothering experience at work. “How are you sleeping? Are you eating fresh vegetables?” There is a certain symbiosis created by exposure to the two age extremes; I honestly don’t miss the presence of people my age. I actually abhor the mainstream culture’s way of cutting childhood short, but, paradoxically, extending adolescence. Throw out the Legos just so you can spend the next 20 years obsessing over self-image and popular culture? No thank you. And yes, I’m aware I could keep a therapist busy at least a few months delving into my own adolescence, but I don’t have time and our health insurance plan, like everyone else’s these days, is actually pretty chintzy.
The two year-old wants to play Elmo--gotta run.
Who wants to read the daily to weekly musings of a suburban mom/urban social worker? Seriously—not a rhetorical question. Because I’m itching to get back to writing, and thinking a blog might provide just enough structure and stimulation to get me going. At any given time, my heart and mind are busy with the very young (our two daughters) or the very old (the elders served by the non-profit where I work mornings). It’s a pretty rich life in terms of vicarious human experience, but I’m all too often too rushed or preoccupied to appreciate all of it. I have almost perfect autonomy, and take it for granted. (I feel guilty about that—I may be Protestant in practice, but my Catholic guilt is alive and well!)
The constant exposure to the two age extremes is a somewhat unusual existence for someone in her early thirties, especially considering that I have almost no contact with my actual age peers (outside my husband). Our kids aren’t in school yet, and our opposite childcare/work schedules with no outside childcare don’t exactly make for a hopping social life. If it weren’t for listening to talk radio while I drive, and occasional internet news, I’d be even more illiterate in pop culture outside of child development or gerontology. I’m happy to have a strong nuclear family, but honestly, we could use a little more contact with the outer electrons.
But enough about my own navel-gazing. I’m hopeful this blog can ultimately be less navel-gazing, more shared illuminations of life’s challenges and graces as I get to witness them through the elders and our kids. Today, unable to reach something on the top shelf of the fridge, my daughter sighed, “It’s so hard being little.” Unable to reach something in the bottom drawer of the dresser, some elders at work have sighed, “Old age isn’t for sissies.” At a life stage where I can reach the top and the bottom shelves, my occasional sighs are accompanied by the refrain, “Can I finally stop multi-tasking and just live?” My serene, well-balanced retired neighbor commented in passing that she didn’t have large flower gardens until her kids were older. I hear the cautionary note in her gentle, non-threatening conversation. She’s already noticed I’m often too busy pruning the roses to smell them. I love it when she admires my kids, because it helps me appreciate their beauty and promise anew.
Sometimes, I leverage work experience as a mother. “Honey, if you don’t brush your teeth well enough, you’ll have dentures and those never fit comfortably!” Or I leverage mothering experience at work. “How are you sleeping? Are you eating fresh vegetables?” There is a certain symbiosis created by exposure to the two age extremes; I honestly don’t miss the presence of people my age. I actually abhor the mainstream culture’s way of cutting childhood short, but, paradoxically, extending adolescence. Throw out the Legos just so you can spend the next 20 years obsessing over self-image and popular culture? No thank you. And yes, I’m aware I could keep a therapist busy at least a few months delving into my own adolescence, but I don’t have time and our health insurance plan, like everyone else’s these days, is actually pretty chintzy.
The two year-old wants to play Elmo--gotta run.
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