What does it mean that Google is advertising Ambien on my blog? Does it read like the incoherent musings of someone sleep-deprived? Or that the only readers are those with persistent insomnia? This may come as a shock, but I usually do get enough sleep, and hope all four of my readers do, too; I believe in both caring for others and self-care. I slide into martyrdom occasionally, but try not to make it a habit. (Sorry, Ambien marketeers).
I attended a meeting today of about 12 people, and was the second youngest person in attendance, as usual. I'm used to this, but when an insensitive 20-something was discussed as a "baby," I bristled. This guy sounded like the kind who'll still be a jerk at 50, so I wish they wouldn't chalk it up to his youth. When another person in attendance referred to our whole group as baby boomers, I bristled again. Ageism goes both ways. Don't assume 80-somethings have dementia, and don't assume I'm an insensitive, self-obsessed jerk because I'm not yet 40. Some don't trust anyone over 30; in my business, I know just as many that don't trust anyone UNDER 35. Yet I said nothing, because in this prickly atmosphere, I didn't want to remind the group of my terrible, problematic relative youth.
It's February in Minnesota, and winter has lost most of its charm for most of us. Many of the elders at work are relative prisoners in their own homes, for fear of falling on snow and ice. It's a legitimate fear, too--one of our volunteers badly wrenched his back just this week, and he's a hearty person.
On a more positive note, I'm taking the kids to a family-friendly concert, and today's Friday. To beat the blahs, winter or otherwise, I'm a firm believer in exercise, music, healthy, interesting food, faith communities, and other wholesome institutions. I'm thankful to have young, energetic kids who propel me forward toward the light, even when the days feel a little dark and short. I'll do my best to pay forward their enthusiasm with those who consider ME a kid, at 32!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Refuting The "Mommy War" Concept
The following is a version (without full names and hometowns) of the feature article from the Spring 2008 Forum, the Mothers and More quarterly publication (http://www.mothersandmore.org/). I found it fascinating to research the experiences of women who have been both stay-at-home moms and full-time work-away moms; there are plenty of implications for social policy and American culture as a whole.
No Doula for These Mothers’ Transition Phases
Childbirth is hardly the only time mothers experience a “transition phase.” Each of the 65 responders to a recent Mothers and More survey has worked full-time since becoming a mother, and had at least one period of stay-at-home parenting. Female flexibility is obvious when our progesterone-softened joints defy physics in childbirth. Yet the psychological adaptations required by common work/care giving changes showcase this flexibility better than any physical transition. Judging by their e-mailed comments, many Mothers and More members are multi-faceted and strikingly flexible. At least half have also had at least one period of part-time paid work in addition to their experience with full-time parenting and full-time paid work while a mother. If at-home parenting and full-time outside work are indeed different cultures with different languages, as some respondents assert, many Mothers & More members are bi-cultural and bi-lingual.
Amy ___is one mother who perceives two different (but not necessarily opposing) cultures: “After first making the transition, I literally felt like I was living in a parallel world that I had heard about but didn't feel a part of….In my experience, working parents and stay-at-home parents are really part of two distinct cultures, and going from one to the other felt a bit like a foreign study experience.”
Kelly ___ also sees two distinct mommy cultures: “I admire the talents of SAHMs the same way I admire the talents of professionals with abilities that I do not.”
A variety of circumstances prompts the transitions from full-time outside work to full-time at-home parenting, which are reportedly less gentle than the transition back into the workplace. Some planned their transitions home for months or years, while others made changes after a personal crisis. Many experienced an emotional, dramatic turning point often related to unsatisfactory daycare settings. Rachel wrote,
"My son was hurt twice in daycare within a month (two trips to the hospital needing six stitches in his head both times). I felt this was a sign to me that it was time to make a change. But being slightly dim, I waited for a couple more signs. One was a chronic illness that I've managed for nearly 20 years flaring to the point where I was on the heaviest medications of my life….The final piece was the earlier death of my father…one of the last times we spoke he said to me, 'raise your son' and these words echoed back to me over the two years to follow to the point that I could only interpret his remarks as a reminder to focus on my family over my career."
Amy __of Chapter --describes another crisis-related transition. "After struggling for a few months, my husband floated the idea of moving to a less expensive state (we lived in New Jersey at the time) by me. I resisted at first since the idea seemed so daunting, but M. contracted a horrible GI bug that was downright scary. I had stopped breastfeeding at six months and used the last of my frozen stash to get her healthy since the pediatrician urged me to do so….It took until Michaela was 18 months old to do all our homework and finally move to our new home."
Heather created a corporate-style visual aid to make a decision to become a SAHM:
"I went to pick-up K. from the sitter…. When I took her, she cried and reached for the sitter….I went home that night and made a spreadsheet of my day’s activities. I found out that I was only 5% of her day and she was not much of mine either….A few weeks later, I resigned my position."
Other survey respondents’ transitions came not out of personal crisis, but as a result of changes in their job or their partner’s income; the birth of additional children; new career opportunities; a cross-country move; prohibitive daycare costs; or a persistent sense of isolation. Many noted that the sense of isolation decreased after becoming active in Mothers and More, although two reported not feeling supported by their local Mothers and More members as they went back to work.
Logical yet taxing transitions
Many respondents report that both they and their families thrived in both lifestyles, reporting no regrets about either life stage, yet even these adaptable mothers found the transition anything but easy.
Collier writes, “I had a difficult time with the transition, having to consciously become aware of and change many of the mothering skills that I had had in place as a working mother. It wasn't easy, and I spent months longing to return to work.”
Cathy also prefers being a SAHM for the present. However, “I NEVER expected to feel this way about being a SAHM. The first [six] months were not easy at all….I am finally loving it after doing it for just over a year.”
These mothers’ comments, like their lives, are complicated and their feelings about their personal mothering/work combinations are often contradictory at any given moment. Most missed their kids while at work and their paid work while at home. Few of them will express a clear preference for one lifestyle or the other, citing the value of making lifestyle choices according to their spouses’ earnings and/or families’ needs at the moment.
Kelly describes a typically complex change: “I was very pleased that I was able to find employment at the same level of pay and benefits that my husband had just lost within a week. I negotiated to work from home two days a week which was a god-send! The other three days, I was commuting 2 1/2 hours EACH WAY! It was killing me, but I was loving every minute. Don't get me wrong....I shed an ocean full of tears about leaving my still-nursing baby. Just because a mother loves to work doesn't mean her heart doesn't ache for her baby.”
Redefining a job well done
Regardless of which lifestyle they prefer for themselves, almost all the respondents missed the concrete positive reinforcement or defined structure of their paid jobs. Erika puts it this way: “…I must say, it was much easier flying 173 passengers through a blinding snow storm with 29 knot crosswinds on a ice covered runway than trying to figure out what your three month old wanted at 2:30 in the morning! At least with the airplane, I could tell it what I wanted and it would respond the way I asked!”
Terri also struggled with changing rewards. “I think the hardest thing is not having the feeling of accomplishment or the recognition of a job well done as a stay at home mom. There are no reviews, no raises to show what kind of job you are doing.”
Almost all the SAHMs report that eventually, they were able to redefine their expectations for a job well done, whether or not they eventually returned to the paid work force. Collier ultimately found happiness in her “mother abroad” experience: “Now, I've gotten over the culture shock, learned the language, and become comfortable in my stay-at-home world.”
In fact, many college-educated, formerly career-minded mothers were pleasantly surprised by how much creativity and pleasure they found in their new duties as SAHMs. Laura “I did not realize how much of my physical, emotional, and creative energies were committed at work until I was able to use 100% of those energies at home.”
Michele explains, “I tried to take housework and cooking to the ‘next level’ and make it special, whether it be a nicer meal or a new way to arrange the furniture, or whatever…. I enjoy working inside the home much more than outside the home.”
Bank accounts, but no paychecks, with their names attached
It is not surprising that monetary issues create stress when one parent’s income doesn’t seem adequate; however, the money-related stress extends even to families with balanced budgets. Many respondents who thoroughly enjoy their SAHM roles report that it is difficult to part with their breadwinner roles, regardless of their partners’ earnings. They value their own mothering work, but many still feel guilty spending money—and the source of that guilt is themselves as much or more than their spouses’.
Sciortino says, “Thankfully, my husband and I have never fought about money. I imagine that could be a huge source of strain otherwise. I just feel better about spending money when I’m adding to our bank accounts--whatever small amount it may be. “
It should be noted that the majority of respondents expressed a long-term preference for part-time paid work, a compromise lifestyle of sorts. Not surprisingly, when they describe the decision to seek paid work on their terms eventually, the word “flexibility” appears again and again.
Laurie writes, “I wouldn’t go back to working full-time, because my husband and I feel it’s important for my daughter to be with me most of the time during these early years…. I also wouldn’t go back to being a full-time SAHM, because my daughter needs the socialization of being with other children and the experience of being away from Mommy and Daddy to build her independence.”
Challenges aside, “no regrets” is a common theme for mothers with diverse work and care giving experience. After adapting their budgets, sources of motivation, relationships, and skills, they take their life lessons to heart as they move into the future with their families. Katie echoes the sentiments of several respondents: “I love being back at work, but I also would not have traded the first year I had at home with my daughter….I feel lucky that I had that SAHM experience, but I have no regrets about my decision to go back to work full time.”
Ultimately, each mother had to find a very personal, unique sense of balance, a balance that lasts only until her next major transition. Dawn is an example of a formerly employed SAHM who knows that there is more “sequencing” to come: “I still have a desire to make my own money and use my talents, so I am trying to figure out what is next.” Kauffman concurs: “I don't think I'll be an at-home mom, forever, though. I feel some part of me is missing, and one day I'll be ready to reclaim that part.”
Going between full-time paid work as a mom to full-time care giving, and often back again, echoes the dramatic transformations of pregnancy. The resilience demonstrated by mothers passing through these whiplash transitions rival the highs and lows of the adoption process. The moms surveyed made the most of various life stages with resourcefulness and extreme flexibility, through some very stressful times. Lifestyle changes will always be part of parenting, and the 65 respondents seem very much up to extreme transitions with no handbook to guide them. Yet many of those who have experienced both extremely demanding full-time jobs and sometimes isolated mothering make it clear that in the future, no matter what combination of duties comprises their week, their ideals are forever sharpened to include what inspires them, what motivates them, and what fits their own unique family’s values.
No Doula for These Mothers’ Transition Phases
Childbirth is hardly the only time mothers experience a “transition phase.” Each of the 65 responders to a recent Mothers and More survey has worked full-time since becoming a mother, and had at least one period of stay-at-home parenting. Female flexibility is obvious when our progesterone-softened joints defy physics in childbirth. Yet the psychological adaptations required by common work/care giving changes showcase this flexibility better than any physical transition. Judging by their e-mailed comments, many Mothers and More members are multi-faceted and strikingly flexible. At least half have also had at least one period of part-time paid work in addition to their experience with full-time parenting and full-time paid work while a mother. If at-home parenting and full-time outside work are indeed different cultures with different languages, as some respondents assert, many Mothers & More members are bi-cultural and bi-lingual.
Amy ___is one mother who perceives two different (but not necessarily opposing) cultures: “After first making the transition, I literally felt like I was living in a parallel world that I had heard about but didn't feel a part of….In my experience, working parents and stay-at-home parents are really part of two distinct cultures, and going from one to the other felt a bit like a foreign study experience.”
Kelly ___ also sees two distinct mommy cultures: “I admire the talents of SAHMs the same way I admire the talents of professionals with abilities that I do not.”
A variety of circumstances prompts the transitions from full-time outside work to full-time at-home parenting, which are reportedly less gentle than the transition back into the workplace. Some planned their transitions home for months or years, while others made changes after a personal crisis. Many experienced an emotional, dramatic turning point often related to unsatisfactory daycare settings. Rachel wrote,
"My son was hurt twice in daycare within a month (two trips to the hospital needing six stitches in his head both times). I felt this was a sign to me that it was time to make a change. But being slightly dim, I waited for a couple more signs. One was a chronic illness that I've managed for nearly 20 years flaring to the point where I was on the heaviest medications of my life….The final piece was the earlier death of my father…one of the last times we spoke he said to me, 'raise your son' and these words echoed back to me over the two years to follow to the point that I could only interpret his remarks as a reminder to focus on my family over my career."
Amy __of Chapter --describes another crisis-related transition. "After struggling for a few months, my husband floated the idea of moving to a less expensive state (we lived in New Jersey at the time) by me. I resisted at first since the idea seemed so daunting, but M. contracted a horrible GI bug that was downright scary. I had stopped breastfeeding at six months and used the last of my frozen stash to get her healthy since the pediatrician urged me to do so….It took until Michaela was 18 months old to do all our homework and finally move to our new home."
Heather created a corporate-style visual aid to make a decision to become a SAHM:
"I went to pick-up K. from the sitter…. When I took her, she cried and reached for the sitter….I went home that night and made a spreadsheet of my day’s activities. I found out that I was only 5% of her day and she was not much of mine either….A few weeks later, I resigned my position."
Other survey respondents’ transitions came not out of personal crisis, but as a result of changes in their job or their partner’s income; the birth of additional children; new career opportunities; a cross-country move; prohibitive daycare costs; or a persistent sense of isolation. Many noted that the sense of isolation decreased after becoming active in Mothers and More, although two reported not feeling supported by their local Mothers and More members as they went back to work.
Logical yet taxing transitions
Many respondents report that both they and their families thrived in both lifestyles, reporting no regrets about either life stage, yet even these adaptable mothers found the transition anything but easy.
Collier writes, “I had a difficult time with the transition, having to consciously become aware of and change many of the mothering skills that I had had in place as a working mother. It wasn't easy, and I spent months longing to return to work.”
Cathy also prefers being a SAHM for the present. However, “I NEVER expected to feel this way about being a SAHM. The first [six] months were not easy at all….I am finally loving it after doing it for just over a year.”
These mothers’ comments, like their lives, are complicated and their feelings about their personal mothering/work combinations are often contradictory at any given moment. Most missed their kids while at work and their paid work while at home. Few of them will express a clear preference for one lifestyle or the other, citing the value of making lifestyle choices according to their spouses’ earnings and/or families’ needs at the moment.
Kelly describes a typically complex change: “I was very pleased that I was able to find employment at the same level of pay and benefits that my husband had just lost within a week. I negotiated to work from home two days a week which was a god-send! The other three days, I was commuting 2 1/2 hours EACH WAY! It was killing me, but I was loving every minute. Don't get me wrong....I shed an ocean full of tears about leaving my still-nursing baby. Just because a mother loves to work doesn't mean her heart doesn't ache for her baby.”
Redefining a job well done
Regardless of which lifestyle they prefer for themselves, almost all the respondents missed the concrete positive reinforcement or defined structure of their paid jobs. Erika puts it this way: “…I must say, it was much easier flying 173 passengers through a blinding snow storm with 29 knot crosswinds on a ice covered runway than trying to figure out what your three month old wanted at 2:30 in the morning! At least with the airplane, I could tell it what I wanted and it would respond the way I asked!”
Terri also struggled with changing rewards. “I think the hardest thing is not having the feeling of accomplishment or the recognition of a job well done as a stay at home mom. There are no reviews, no raises to show what kind of job you are doing.”
Almost all the SAHMs report that eventually, they were able to redefine their expectations for a job well done, whether or not they eventually returned to the paid work force. Collier ultimately found happiness in her “mother abroad” experience: “Now, I've gotten over the culture shock, learned the language, and become comfortable in my stay-at-home world.”
In fact, many college-educated, formerly career-minded mothers were pleasantly surprised by how much creativity and pleasure they found in their new duties as SAHMs. Laura “I did not realize how much of my physical, emotional, and creative energies were committed at work until I was able to use 100% of those energies at home.”
Michele explains, “I tried to take housework and cooking to the ‘next level’ and make it special, whether it be a nicer meal or a new way to arrange the furniture, or whatever…. I enjoy working inside the home much more than outside the home.”
Bank accounts, but no paychecks, with their names attached
It is not surprising that monetary issues create stress when one parent’s income doesn’t seem adequate; however, the money-related stress extends even to families with balanced budgets. Many respondents who thoroughly enjoy their SAHM roles report that it is difficult to part with their breadwinner roles, regardless of their partners’ earnings. They value their own mothering work, but many still feel guilty spending money—and the source of that guilt is themselves as much or more than their spouses’.
Sciortino says, “Thankfully, my husband and I have never fought about money. I imagine that could be a huge source of strain otherwise. I just feel better about spending money when I’m adding to our bank accounts--whatever small amount it may be. “
It should be noted that the majority of respondents expressed a long-term preference for part-time paid work, a compromise lifestyle of sorts. Not surprisingly, when they describe the decision to seek paid work on their terms eventually, the word “flexibility” appears again and again.
Laurie writes, “I wouldn’t go back to working full-time, because my husband and I feel it’s important for my daughter to be with me most of the time during these early years…. I also wouldn’t go back to being a full-time SAHM, because my daughter needs the socialization of being with other children and the experience of being away from Mommy and Daddy to build her independence.”
Challenges aside, “no regrets” is a common theme for mothers with diverse work and care giving experience. After adapting their budgets, sources of motivation, relationships, and skills, they take their life lessons to heart as they move into the future with their families. Katie echoes the sentiments of several respondents: “I love being back at work, but I also would not have traded the first year I had at home with my daughter….I feel lucky that I had that SAHM experience, but I have no regrets about my decision to go back to work full time.”
Ultimately, each mother had to find a very personal, unique sense of balance, a balance that lasts only until her next major transition. Dawn is an example of a formerly employed SAHM who knows that there is more “sequencing” to come: “I still have a desire to make my own money and use my talents, so I am trying to figure out what is next.” Kauffman concurs: “I don't think I'll be an at-home mom, forever, though. I feel some part of me is missing, and one day I'll be ready to reclaim that part.”
Going between full-time paid work as a mom to full-time care giving, and often back again, echoes the dramatic transformations of pregnancy. The resilience demonstrated by mothers passing through these whiplash transitions rival the highs and lows of the adoption process. The moms surveyed made the most of various life stages with resourcefulness and extreme flexibility, through some very stressful times. Lifestyle changes will always be part of parenting, and the 65 respondents seem very much up to extreme transitions with no handbook to guide them. Yet many of those who have experienced both extremely demanding full-time jobs and sometimes isolated mothering make it clear that in the future, no matter what combination of duties comprises their week, their ideals are forever sharpened to include what inspires them, what motivates them, and what fits their own unique family’s values.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Mommy's Getting Radicalized
I schlepped the girls home, in the below zero wind chill, from dinner at a friend's one night this week, and as I used my real body to park in our real driveway, I noticed an enormous, glossy, semi-pornographic female image hanging from the front door. It looked like a Hustler image--a woman with lips parted, heavy eye makeup, apparently climaxing while wearing boxing gloves. Was this some bad joke, I wondered? No, just an ad for some new LA Fitness locations opening in our area.
Sometimes you don't know which straw will break a mother's back. This particular straw inspired some e-mail and phone call rants to the direct mail distributors, LA Fitness, and our local newspaper editorial column. I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but my six year-old can do a pretty good imitation of a feminist's tantrum. It makes me proud, and embarrassed all at the same time.
But bless my dear husband's heart for agreeing to list his name on the editorial alongside mine--he understood that my opinions might be accepted better with a male stamp of approval included. On that note, I heard about a study this week that feminists and their feminist husbands have happier relationships than couples who don't identify with feminism. I was quick to tell my dh about that one.
We're not joining LA Fitness anytime soon. We are, however, walking down to the local outdoor ice rink at least twice a week, the four of us skating and playing ice hockey. Neither of us has a six-pack or a butt worth photographing yet, but it still feels pretty good.
Sometimes you don't know which straw will break a mother's back. This particular straw inspired some e-mail and phone call rants to the direct mail distributors, LA Fitness, and our local newspaper editorial column. I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but my six year-old can do a pretty good imitation of a feminist's tantrum. It makes me proud, and embarrassed all at the same time.
But bless my dear husband's heart for agreeing to list his name on the editorial alongside mine--he understood that my opinions might be accepted better with a male stamp of approval included. On that note, I heard about a study this week that feminists and their feminist husbands have happier relationships than couples who don't identify with feminism. I was quick to tell my dh about that one.
We're not joining LA Fitness anytime soon. We are, however, walking down to the local outdoor ice rink at least twice a week, the four of us skating and playing ice hockey. Neither of us has a six-pack or a butt worth photographing yet, but it still feels pretty good.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Family Jungle at Christmastime
I'm struck every Christmas that I really couldn't tell you definitively who is and isn't part of our family. With whom do we have meaningful connections?
It's a little gray, really. I spent tonight driving 40 miles round-trip to visit my step niece-in-law and her premature twins at a hospital, per the request of her concerned mother and auntie. Technically former step niece-in-law, as my husband's stepmom passed away some years ago. Until tonight, I didn't know these little twins' mom was expecting again. Meanwhile, I don't receive or send a single Christmas card from any of my 63 Irish-American first cousins. Who is family, and who isn't?
This is a Mexican-American family that wears their hearts on their sleeves. They give and expect family loyalty from even shirttail relations. I have to say: I like their style. It's not my birth family's style by any stretch, but I like it.
It's become very apparent that the holidays are stressful for many people, not just cocoa and gift wrapping--between my husband and me, we have one good friend hospitalized with depression; one grandparent hospitalized with a stroke; one baby step nephew seriously ill; one great step aunt recovering from surgery; and one uncle hospitalized with a heart attack. The holidays can be hard on families!
I doubt I'll ever be able to make a list of exactly who I consider our family, but I do hope it's a list that will grow, not shrink, over time. We watched the fascinating documentary Sicko recently, and I'm struck that Americans are so busy working and trying to take care of their families singlehandedly, with very few social supports, that we have little opportunity to enjoy our nuclear families, let alone former step-nieces-in-law in their times of need. I'm hoping to learn some more lessons from this particular branch of our family forest!
It's a little gray, really. I spent tonight driving 40 miles round-trip to visit my step niece-in-law and her premature twins at a hospital, per the request of her concerned mother and auntie. Technically former step niece-in-law, as my husband's stepmom passed away some years ago. Until tonight, I didn't know these little twins' mom was expecting again. Meanwhile, I don't receive or send a single Christmas card from any of my 63 Irish-American first cousins. Who is family, and who isn't?
This is a Mexican-American family that wears their hearts on their sleeves. They give and expect family loyalty from even shirttail relations. I have to say: I like their style. It's not my birth family's style by any stretch, but I like it.
It's become very apparent that the holidays are stressful for many people, not just cocoa and gift wrapping--between my husband and me, we have one good friend hospitalized with depression; one grandparent hospitalized with a stroke; one baby step nephew seriously ill; one great step aunt recovering from surgery; and one uncle hospitalized with a heart attack. The holidays can be hard on families!
I doubt I'll ever be able to make a list of exactly who I consider our family, but I do hope it's a list that will grow, not shrink, over time. We watched the fascinating documentary Sicko recently, and I'm struck that Americans are so busy working and trying to take care of their families singlehandedly, with very few social supports, that we have little opportunity to enjoy our nuclear families, let alone former step-nieces-in-law in their times of need. I'm hoping to learn some more lessons from this particular branch of our family forest!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Community Is A Quirky Thing
Yesterday was our monthly lunch/speaker series at work. It's always a village effort to feed about 50 neighbors 65+, about 1/3 receiving rides from our volunteer drivers. It's almost always an inspiring symbiosis of personalities and effort, yesterday in particular.
This event, in addition to the diverse collection of luncheon guests, featured live Irish music; Irish step dancing; 20 elementary students from the neighborhood Quaker school who joined us to watch the entertainment; and at least three Jewish volunteers/guests who graciously listened to the talented musicians' explicitly Christian Irish and Scottish folk songs without complaint.
Knowing much about the challenges and sadness in the personal lives of many of our guests--a number who have spent time in transitional care centers (nursing homes) but returned home, a number currently in treatment for depression--made it extra poignant to observe their enjoyment of the quirky drama that is our "Second Tuesday" luncheon.
This blog is to salute all the people who find inspiration to be generous to others in the holiday season, and the other 11 months of the year. I'm still smiling thinking of the quirky quilt that is this neighborhood event.
This event, in addition to the diverse collection of luncheon guests, featured live Irish music; Irish step dancing; 20 elementary students from the neighborhood Quaker school who joined us to watch the entertainment; and at least three Jewish volunteers/guests who graciously listened to the talented musicians' explicitly Christian Irish and Scottish folk songs without complaint.
Knowing much about the challenges and sadness in the personal lives of many of our guests--a number who have spent time in transitional care centers (nursing homes) but returned home, a number currently in treatment for depression--made it extra poignant to observe their enjoyment of the quirky drama that is our "Second Tuesday" luncheon.
This blog is to salute all the people who find inspiration to be generous to others in the holiday season, and the other 11 months of the year. I'm still smiling thinking of the quirky quilt that is this neighborhood event.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Generations, Rural/Urban Balance
I'm feeling a little sentimental after a week in my Midwestern hometown for Thanksgiving. There's nothing like hearing my dad say he ate "Manchurian-some-dam*-thing" at the Chinese restaurant or seeing my niece perform in a play at my old high school. Even though I elect to live in a city 400 miles away, I value feeling rooted to this place. My husband sat through 1.5 hours of family slides spanning 50 years and four generations. These are iconic family images firmly burned into my brain, not unlike the branded calves featured in some, and somehow, having seen them, I think he's more deeply ensnared in the family web. At one point during the slide saga, our five year-old's cousins tried to entice her to play, and she refused, declaring righteously, "No! I've always wanted to see what it was like when my mommy grew up!" She is an endearing little suck-up, that one.
I should mention that it's all a little extra bittersweet because our mom passed on about 2.5 years ago. Connecting to my hometown is connecting to where she lived almost her entire life. I'm appreciating people there, including my aunts, uncles and cousins, more than I ever could as a stir-crazy teenager eager to move on. So much of what we urban yuppie parents work so hard to recapture is so innate there--community, tradition, belonging to a spiritual/religious group, firmly defined values, kids doing meaningful work at an early age, storytelling, fresh air and time outside. Not all of their firmly defined values are still mine today, and some new ones I've come to feel strongly about aren't as easy to locate there as some places, but I admire them still.
It takes constant mindfulness to retain the best of our parents' and grandparents' lifestyles, while being open to the contributions of our children and grandchildren. I love hearing my moms' brothers say my three year-old looks just like their late grandma. I muddle this balancing act of the best of the old and new all the time; I'm just grateful I have inspiring examples before me, and after me, to work with.
I should mention that it's all a little extra bittersweet because our mom passed on about 2.5 years ago. Connecting to my hometown is connecting to where she lived almost her entire life. I'm appreciating people there, including my aunts, uncles and cousins, more than I ever could as a stir-crazy teenager eager to move on. So much of what we urban yuppie parents work so hard to recapture is so innate there--community, tradition, belonging to a spiritual/religious group, firmly defined values, kids doing meaningful work at an early age, storytelling, fresh air and time outside. Not all of their firmly defined values are still mine today, and some new ones I've come to feel strongly about aren't as easy to locate there as some places, but I admire them still.
It takes constant mindfulness to retain the best of our parents' and grandparents' lifestyles, while being open to the contributions of our children and grandchildren. I love hearing my moms' brothers say my three year-old looks just like their late grandma. I muddle this balancing act of the best of the old and new all the time; I'm just grateful I have inspiring examples before me, and after me, to work with.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Mothers and More article
The following is the text of a feature article I wrote for the Summer 2007 Forum, the national publication of Mothers and More, an outstanding national advocacy organization for mothers (http://www.mothersandmore.org/). I thought I'd share it with an audience wider than the M and M membership, as the stories of the moms interviewed are timely and interesting.
For A Few Lucky Moms, The New Life/Work Balance
In many literary and historical accounts of stay-at-home moms, their side jobs are portrayed as a forced, pragmatic action in the face of unexpected economic hardship. The phrase “having to take in washing,” suggests that at-home mothers in bygone eras sought out part-time work only under duress.
But in 2007, having a home-based side job is a hard-won goal of many at-home moms, including some who could live comfortably on their partners’ incomes. In this dream, today’s mother works a few hours a day in her home office while in the adjoining room, her bilingual children build a scale model of a peaceful village featuring a mosque, a church, and a temple. These dreamy siblings without rivalry interrupt their mother only for the occasional hug, kiss, or architectural critique. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, they spend the day with their doting grandmother, no daycare center required.
Kim Comatas of Farmingham Area, Massachusetts Chapter 95 was one mom who saw herself enjoying the 2000 version of having it all. However, she was disillusioned more than once in her transition to motherhood. “I thought I'd be able to work part time a few days from home, but that didn't happen. My employer went back on their original offer after I had the baby.”
Comatas turned to buying and selling on eBay as her second job. She managed to bring it about $200/week for 20 hours of work. However, she writes, “It was a big misconception when I thought I could work on the computer while the kids played quietly in the other room. The biggest surprise was the room I left to enter items onto eBay was not the same room I returned to!”
Molly Remer, an unchaptered member from Rolla, Missouri, echoes the sentiment that flexible, home-based work comes with its own stressors. She writes, “(I was surprised by) “how difficult it is to balance even fairly small work commitments with motherhood.” Since Remer quit her full-time job, she has sold the following, mainly via the internet: used books; self-published booklets; doll accessories; handmade soap and body products, and baby slings. She has also served as a survey participant, Childbirth Educator, Assistant Director of an intensive annual craft school, and postpartum doula.
Remer writes, “The challenge of managing these other jobs with also taking care of my babies is pretty significant! I have learned to prioritize and "trim" the money-making ideas/commitments that I'm not truly enthusiastic about.” Remer articulates her family’s ultimate work/life goals this way: “My anticipation of future work life and earnings for both my husband and myself was to have a primary home-based life, pursuing personal interests with small businesses and volunteer work, and generating sufficient income for a simple life….So, far we have not yet been able to free my husband from ‘wage slavery’ to join the rest of us at home, but that is what we're working towards!
In a survey, 85% of Mothers and More members said their ideal work situation would be less than 30 hours per week. According to surveys by Work & Family Connection, Inc., working parents in search of a work/life balance want “the ability to alter the time at which they start and end their workday” the most (80% of respondents’ polled). The next wish would be the ability to work from home (70%). One-third would like to work less or share a job (www.workfamily.com). It is not terribly surprising that many employed mothers would like to work less. What did surprise me was my recent realization that that almost all the voluntarily at-home moms I know would accept a part-time job if it were in their field of interest and compatible with their children’s schedules.
A CNN.com article would suggest that a work life Comatas’ or Remer’s is definitely the way to go. ”More than 70 percent of independent professionals report being "very satisfied" with their work situation, according to a new survey by conducted by national polling firm Penn Schoen & Berland, compared with just over 50 percent of salaried employees.” (Bills, Steve. “Freelancers found happier.” Nov. 8, 2000. CNNMoney.com).
For most mothers, especially outside the Mothers and More demographics, the work part-time from home dream remains just that, a dream. Given the cost of health insurance housing in safe areas with good public schools, most families have few options but to work two full-time jobs. According to The Two Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Parents are Going Broke by mother/daughter economists Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi, our unique modern ability to buy cheap, plentiful consumer goods and technology is deceiving. Mass production allows us to afford many things, but these gadgets are small consolation for families whose incomes have actually decreased in relation to the cost of housing and health insurance in recent decades. The authors even have a name for this misconception, in a chapter called “The Over-consumption Myth.”
Clearly, the moms who make the latest life/work dream work for them are a resourceful and fortunate minority. Among those employed at lower wages, only 4% even have the option of working any hours at home. Only a slightly higher 11% of higher wage earners have this option. (“What Workplace Flexibility is Available to Entry Level, Hourly Employees?” Families and Work Institute, November 2006).
Erika Armstrong of Evergreen/Mountain Community, Colorado Chapter 169 was eventually able to transition to independent, family-friendly work that even enabled her husband to quit his traditional job. Armstrong’s family’s income was cut by two-thirds when she quit her job as a commercial pilot. She describes the decision to quit her job after working 15 years to become a captain as “gut-wrenching.” However, she has no regrets. Today, her husband runs the small home builder warranty management company she began upon entering parenthood. They have two employees. Using an old barn on their property to board horses brings in additional income, as well as pleasure for their daughters. She describes her life as “Nothing fancy but we’ve found a great way to make a living and we’re both home at the end of the day!”
Even among the families who can afford an unpredictable second income, independent work-from-home arrangements are not easy to come by. Some professions lend themselves to the home office better than others. Writers and graphic designers pop up over and over in the mompreneur stories.
Tracy Salmon of Columbus, Ohio, Chapter 51 is keenly aware of the difficulties that come with fitting work around primary responsibility for childcare. She knew the change in her work hours would impact her family financially. In fact, she “expected to be poor.” She works as a Registered Nurse five ten hours shifts every two weeks while her husband or parents care for her children. Combining her income with her husband’s full-time work, they are able to meet the children’s needs but not to save. “There is no extra!” she writes. She adds, “My employer is one of the largest home care companies in the U.S. and still they have no regard for a SAHM. I am scheduled for mandatory meetings on my days off and told I cannot bring my children.”
Gina Kasmerski of Twin Cities East, MN Chapter 299 had a less disillusioning transition to flexible part-time work. Her prior company hired her to be a part-time project manager for 15 months after she became a mother. “It was terrific because I was able to work out of my home office in the odd hours that I wasn't ‘mommying’ and learn some new skills to boot,” she comments. Midway through that role, she was recruited to do some consulting work by an associate from 10 years previous. As a result, she formed a very small consulting business, leaving her confident and hopeful about an eventual return to full-time work with pay to rival her colleagues who didn’t opt out of traditional corporate life for several years. By her own admission, Gina is very fortunate, both in terms of personal fulfillment and family budgeting. Gina’s family is able to devote her income to long-term goals and savings.
For Amy Coffey of Green Bay, Wisconsin Chapter 179, fitting work around full-time motherhood is turning into a return to her college major and her dream of being an art teacher. On September 11, 2001, she was a highly paid and pregnant employee of an investment firm in the Sears Tower in Chicago. “As my workplace became a target for terrorists, I instantly knew that I could never return to work there.” Her family took advantage of her husband’s promotion to Minnesota, where the family scaled back so she could become at-home mom. Her own itch to go back to work part-time, when her youngest was 18 months old, surprised her. It took a long time to figure the right part-time jobs. At first, she earned additional income by providing childcare in her home and at her church. After another move and encouragement from a friend, she now has three part-time jobs she loves: in retail at a scrapbook/stamping/beading store, where she hopes to teaching craft classes; as a Parent/Child swim teacher; and in her own business, her true passion, Art Fun with Amy. “I teach toddler and preschool art classes, with an emphasis on the process and having fun. My college degree is Elementary Education, so I’m thrilled to be finally doing something with my teaching background!”
For the past five years, I have considered myself a very blessed part timer. I work 20 hours per week, flex hours, for a non-profit. I have lots of variety and autonomy, and my hourly wage is competitive with my past life as an unhappy junior high teacher.
Like most part timers, I have the luxury of enjoyable part-time work only because I am married to someone with a traditional job, someone willing to take on solo morning parenting as well as carry our health insurance through full-time work on the evening shift. As someone who would love to be an at-home mom, I put a high value on at least being able to take the girls from my husband by 1:30 every day. A few moms, whose children are in childcare, have told me that they envy my family’s arrangement. Yet ironically, my ability to avoid the Supermom routine hinges on my husband’s willingness to be Superdad.
I am a typical part-time employee in that I do not have health insurance or retirement through my small, otherwise progressive non-profit. I do have a small health stipend, sick time, vacation time, and even compensatory time. We would much rather have one larger income, leaving me free to cook more “slow food” family dinners and dabble in free-lance writing. Yet the moral of The Two Income Trap lurks in my head: One major accident or sickness could endanger our middle-class status. Without my job, we would eat but forgo emergency savings, retirement, life insurance, and disability insurance. Nor would we be able to help my sister, my single mother counterpart, on occasion.
Despite its drawbacks, part-time and home-based work can be a positive experience. Many Mothers & More members—Tracy, Erika, Amy, Gina--expect their sense of purpose and fulfillment to come from both plenty of hours with their children each day and at least some outside paid work each week, whether or not their financial contributions are absolutely necessary. But as long as both part-time paid jobs and care giving are undervalued by employers, Social Security statements and even relatives, it will take a collection of factors to achieve a satisfying combination. Some of the factors that help are multi-tasking, momprenuership, partners who carry our health insurance and cook, and endless creative problem solving.
Amy Coffey sent me a late-night e-mail as I wrote a second draft of this article. She wanted to let me know that her part-time positions are on hold while her family adjusts to her son’s diagnosis of juvenile diabetes. She said I might not want to use her story in light of this news. On the contrary, her situation illustrates an important reality: when family needs arise, moms with flexible part-time jobs can rise to the occasion without endangering their families’ economic well-being. For this, Coffeys is grateful. “It is nice to have some flexibility - especially with my own business.”
Still, Comatas offers encouragement to moms who want this particular version of “having it all: “I would encourage other moms to find what brings them joy and excitement…. Call your favorite store, and ask if they're hiring. Be specific about your desires for a job, and the number of hours you're willing to work. Work for companies that have daycare on site for free (like the YMCA) and are flexible when your kids are sick, or start classes in your home….Don't be afraid to try something new. Don't forget that being a SAHM itself is a HUGE job and the most important one of all!”
I'd love to hear your experiences of combining work and caregiving!
--Ponka93
For A Few Lucky Moms, The New Life/Work Balance
In many literary and historical accounts of stay-at-home moms, their side jobs are portrayed as a forced, pragmatic action in the face of unexpected economic hardship. The phrase “having to take in washing,” suggests that at-home mothers in bygone eras sought out part-time work only under duress.
But in 2007, having a home-based side job is a hard-won goal of many at-home moms, including some who could live comfortably on their partners’ incomes. In this dream, today’s mother works a few hours a day in her home office while in the adjoining room, her bilingual children build a scale model of a peaceful village featuring a mosque, a church, and a temple. These dreamy siblings without rivalry interrupt their mother only for the occasional hug, kiss, or architectural critique. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, they spend the day with their doting grandmother, no daycare center required.
Kim Comatas of Farmingham Area, Massachusetts Chapter 95 was one mom who saw herself enjoying the 2000 version of having it all. However, she was disillusioned more than once in her transition to motherhood. “I thought I'd be able to work part time a few days from home, but that didn't happen. My employer went back on their original offer after I had the baby.”
Comatas turned to buying and selling on eBay as her second job. She managed to bring it about $200/week for 20 hours of work. However, she writes, “It was a big misconception when I thought I could work on the computer while the kids played quietly in the other room. The biggest surprise was the room I left to enter items onto eBay was not the same room I returned to!”
Molly Remer, an unchaptered member from Rolla, Missouri, echoes the sentiment that flexible, home-based work comes with its own stressors. She writes, “(I was surprised by) “how difficult it is to balance even fairly small work commitments with motherhood.” Since Remer quit her full-time job, she has sold the following, mainly via the internet: used books; self-published booklets; doll accessories; handmade soap and body products, and baby slings. She has also served as a survey participant, Childbirth Educator, Assistant Director of an intensive annual craft school, and postpartum doula.
Remer writes, “The challenge of managing these other jobs with also taking care of my babies is pretty significant! I have learned to prioritize and "trim" the money-making ideas/commitments that I'm not truly enthusiastic about.” Remer articulates her family’s ultimate work/life goals this way: “My anticipation of future work life and earnings for both my husband and myself was to have a primary home-based life, pursuing personal interests with small businesses and volunteer work, and generating sufficient income for a simple life….So, far we have not yet been able to free my husband from ‘wage slavery’ to join the rest of us at home, but that is what we're working towards!
In a survey, 85% of Mothers and More members said their ideal work situation would be less than 30 hours per week. According to surveys by Work & Family Connection, Inc., working parents in search of a work/life balance want “the ability to alter the time at which they start and end their workday” the most (80% of respondents’ polled). The next wish would be the ability to work from home (70%). One-third would like to work less or share a job (www.workfamily.com). It is not terribly surprising that many employed mothers would like to work less. What did surprise me was my recent realization that that almost all the voluntarily at-home moms I know would accept a part-time job if it were in their field of interest and compatible with their children’s schedules.
A CNN.com article would suggest that a work life Comatas’ or Remer’s is definitely the way to go. ”More than 70 percent of independent professionals report being "very satisfied" with their work situation, according to a new survey by conducted by national polling firm Penn Schoen & Berland, compared with just over 50 percent of salaried employees.” (Bills, Steve. “Freelancers found happier.” Nov. 8, 2000. CNNMoney.com).
For most mothers, especially outside the Mothers and More demographics, the work part-time from home dream remains just that, a dream. Given the cost of health insurance housing in safe areas with good public schools, most families have few options but to work two full-time jobs. According to The Two Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Parents are Going Broke by mother/daughter economists Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi, our unique modern ability to buy cheap, plentiful consumer goods and technology is deceiving. Mass production allows us to afford many things, but these gadgets are small consolation for families whose incomes have actually decreased in relation to the cost of housing and health insurance in recent decades. The authors even have a name for this misconception, in a chapter called “The Over-consumption Myth.”
Clearly, the moms who make the latest life/work dream work for them are a resourceful and fortunate minority. Among those employed at lower wages, only 4% even have the option of working any hours at home. Only a slightly higher 11% of higher wage earners have this option. (“What Workplace Flexibility is Available to Entry Level, Hourly Employees?” Families and Work Institute, November 2006).
Erika Armstrong of Evergreen/Mountain Community, Colorado Chapter 169 was eventually able to transition to independent, family-friendly work that even enabled her husband to quit his traditional job. Armstrong’s family’s income was cut by two-thirds when she quit her job as a commercial pilot. She describes the decision to quit her job after working 15 years to become a captain as “gut-wrenching.” However, she has no regrets. Today, her husband runs the small home builder warranty management company she began upon entering parenthood. They have two employees. Using an old barn on their property to board horses brings in additional income, as well as pleasure for their daughters. She describes her life as “Nothing fancy but we’ve found a great way to make a living and we’re both home at the end of the day!”
Even among the families who can afford an unpredictable second income, independent work-from-home arrangements are not easy to come by. Some professions lend themselves to the home office better than others. Writers and graphic designers pop up over and over in the mompreneur stories.
Tracy Salmon of Columbus, Ohio, Chapter 51 is keenly aware of the difficulties that come with fitting work around primary responsibility for childcare. She knew the change in her work hours would impact her family financially. In fact, she “expected to be poor.” She works as a Registered Nurse five ten hours shifts every two weeks while her husband or parents care for her children. Combining her income with her husband’s full-time work, they are able to meet the children’s needs but not to save. “There is no extra!” she writes. She adds, “My employer is one of the largest home care companies in the U.S. and still they have no regard for a SAHM. I am scheduled for mandatory meetings on my days off and told I cannot bring my children.”
Gina Kasmerski of Twin Cities East, MN Chapter 299 had a less disillusioning transition to flexible part-time work. Her prior company hired her to be a part-time project manager for 15 months after she became a mother. “It was terrific because I was able to work out of my home office in the odd hours that I wasn't ‘mommying’ and learn some new skills to boot,” she comments. Midway through that role, she was recruited to do some consulting work by an associate from 10 years previous. As a result, she formed a very small consulting business, leaving her confident and hopeful about an eventual return to full-time work with pay to rival her colleagues who didn’t opt out of traditional corporate life for several years. By her own admission, Gina is very fortunate, both in terms of personal fulfillment and family budgeting. Gina’s family is able to devote her income to long-term goals and savings.
For Amy Coffey of Green Bay, Wisconsin Chapter 179, fitting work around full-time motherhood is turning into a return to her college major and her dream of being an art teacher. On September 11, 2001, she was a highly paid and pregnant employee of an investment firm in the Sears Tower in Chicago. “As my workplace became a target for terrorists, I instantly knew that I could never return to work there.” Her family took advantage of her husband’s promotion to Minnesota, where the family scaled back so she could become at-home mom. Her own itch to go back to work part-time, when her youngest was 18 months old, surprised her. It took a long time to figure the right part-time jobs. At first, she earned additional income by providing childcare in her home and at her church. After another move and encouragement from a friend, she now has three part-time jobs she loves: in retail at a scrapbook/stamping/beading store, where she hopes to teaching craft classes; as a Parent/Child swim teacher; and in her own business, her true passion, Art Fun with Amy. “I teach toddler and preschool art classes, with an emphasis on the process and having fun. My college degree is Elementary Education, so I’m thrilled to be finally doing something with my teaching background!”
For the past five years, I have considered myself a very blessed part timer. I work 20 hours per week, flex hours, for a non-profit. I have lots of variety and autonomy, and my hourly wage is competitive with my past life as an unhappy junior high teacher.
Like most part timers, I have the luxury of enjoyable part-time work only because I am married to someone with a traditional job, someone willing to take on solo morning parenting as well as carry our health insurance through full-time work on the evening shift. As someone who would love to be an at-home mom, I put a high value on at least being able to take the girls from my husband by 1:30 every day. A few moms, whose children are in childcare, have told me that they envy my family’s arrangement. Yet ironically, my ability to avoid the Supermom routine hinges on my husband’s willingness to be Superdad.
I am a typical part-time employee in that I do not have health insurance or retirement through my small, otherwise progressive non-profit. I do have a small health stipend, sick time, vacation time, and even compensatory time. We would much rather have one larger income, leaving me free to cook more “slow food” family dinners and dabble in free-lance writing. Yet the moral of The Two Income Trap lurks in my head: One major accident or sickness could endanger our middle-class status. Without my job, we would eat but forgo emergency savings, retirement, life insurance, and disability insurance. Nor would we be able to help my sister, my single mother counterpart, on occasion.
Despite its drawbacks, part-time and home-based work can be a positive experience. Many Mothers & More members—Tracy, Erika, Amy, Gina--expect their sense of purpose and fulfillment to come from both plenty of hours with their children each day and at least some outside paid work each week, whether or not their financial contributions are absolutely necessary. But as long as both part-time paid jobs and care giving are undervalued by employers, Social Security statements and even relatives, it will take a collection of factors to achieve a satisfying combination. Some of the factors that help are multi-tasking, momprenuership, partners who carry our health insurance and cook, and endless creative problem solving.
Amy Coffey sent me a late-night e-mail as I wrote a second draft of this article. She wanted to let me know that her part-time positions are on hold while her family adjusts to her son’s diagnosis of juvenile diabetes. She said I might not want to use her story in light of this news. On the contrary, her situation illustrates an important reality: when family needs arise, moms with flexible part-time jobs can rise to the occasion without endangering their families’ economic well-being. For this, Coffeys is grateful. “It is nice to have some flexibility - especially with my own business.”
Still, Comatas offers encouragement to moms who want this particular version of “having it all: “I would encourage other moms to find what brings them joy and excitement…. Call your favorite store, and ask if they're hiring. Be specific about your desires for a job, and the number of hours you're willing to work. Work for companies that have daycare on site for free (like the YMCA) and are flexible when your kids are sick, or start classes in your home….Don't be afraid to try something new. Don't forget that being a SAHM itself is a HUGE job and the most important one of all!”
I'd love to hear your experiences of combining work and caregiving!
--Ponka93
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
