Psyched to Be a Modern Mother
by monica gallagher
(Published in the February 2010 Forum, the national publication of Mothers and More)
I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard someone say, “Well, past generations didn’t have all these parenting classes, or overanalyze all these ‘issues,’ and their kids turned out okay.” In general, I support this statement. Everything is relative; good instincts and advice can take people pretty far. One could argue people that my age and younger are more dysfunctional than past generations—just look at our credit card debt and obesity rates.
However, in my professional role working closely with neighborhood elders, I’ve also met a lot of people in their 80s and 90s who really didn’t turn out OK. They’re still carrying debilitating grief and pain from childhood, grief that may not have caused so many glaring scars with a little openness and recognition. Two of my husband’s female relatives believed they were dying when they first had their periods. They had never been told it was coming. One of these women learned that her lifelong dream of completing art school was over when the principal informed her the semester’s tuition hadn’t been paid by her father, who had mysteriously arrived at the conclusion she wasn’t performing up to his standards. Discussing sensitive topics with one's children—or other mothers—wasn’t encouraged for many of the Greatest Generation.
Mary Pipher is a psychologist and author of Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders (2000). She claims that the significant change in generational identity came not with technology, but with the widespread awareness of psychology. I tend to believe this. Airplane travel and iPods haven’t changed the way we view ourselves and our relationships the way pop psychology has. Almost nothing is taboo on Facebook, it seems, but technology alone did not have the power to remove the taboo from discussing depression, sex, or even painful sibling rivalry. That took decades of psychologists and talk show hosts.
It is heartbreaking to realize that the 80-year-old I am visiting carries wounds that haven’t healed in 72 years, when she was eight and forced to take on primary responsibility for her five younger siblings. Her mom was disinterested in mothering or housework. “Do you think it could have been depression?” I ask conversationally. “Probably,” sighs Betty, her daughter, so many years later.
My late mother, Mary Jo, experienced serious episodes of addiction, depression, and even a couple brief psychotic breaks from reality. She also worked as a nurse at an addiction recovery program heavy in psychological jargon, read self-help books prodigiously and shared important parts of her mental health journeys with her seven children as we got older. In my adulthood, she and I could not discuss everything, but we had some wonderful conversations. In my cheekier moments, I would mention an aspect of her parenting I found fault with, and she was able to agree matter-of-factly with my assessment without any denial or self-flagellation. She could name her mistakes, and some of the isolation and lack of support that contributed as well. This brave and honest response validated powerful tools for me as a developing woman: my unique perspective and ability to analyze important history and my identity as a whole, competent person despite my parents’ mistakes. Eight years into motherhood, I also appreciate my mother’s ability to own her caregiving weaknesses while continuing to love herself.
I have three close friends who are mothers and women with depression diagnoses. All are high-functioning people in every way, holding down challenging jobs and raising competent, secure children. But as intelligent, aware mothers, they know too many low-energy days or negative moods may impact these children, and the prospect of the genetic or behavioral transmission of depression is a terrifying thought. Sometimes when I’m with them, we venture into the loaded topic of how our emotional states affect our childcare work. We reassure one another that a few blue days at a time won’t doom our children. Talking openly about the topic while those children play and laugh together in another room definitely makes it feel less loaded and fraught with danger.
As I sit in bed, looking for some refresher strategies that appeal to my gut instinct AND will help my husband and me through the latest parenting challenge, these are some of the stories I carry. I remain willing to risk overly psychological approaches to mothering and relationships. When I go one step further and bounce these ideas off friends, the rewards are even greater. Books and theories won’t solve all our problems, but naming our most important struggles together can only help us see them more clearly.
Monica Gallagher is a parent, social worker, and amateur pop psychologist whose mother liked to say such things as, “You need to get better at delaying gratification” and “The Latin root of sarcasm is ‘to tear flesh’.” She is a member of Twin Cities East, MN Chapter 299.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
In the Minority on an Historic Day
Sometimes, one finds herself in the right place at the right time. Today I was one of two white people watching Obama's inauguration at a sliding-fee medical clinic in St. Paul, that caters to both people who can afford regular health insurance, and those that cannot. I was providing a ride for an elder for work; from what I could tell, the clientele is diverse but primarily lower to middle income African-American.
As the time neared, one patient asked if the clinic planned to air the inauguration; soon after, one of the employees brought out a television and set it up. Within a few minutes, there were about a dozen of us watching the festivities: seven African-American women, two African-American men, and an Asian couple. I think one of the employees sensed my combination of joy and shyness given the occasion and the group, and made an effort to smile at me several times as if to say, "We understand you may be happy about this, too!" I had the frivolous and self-centered desire to acknowledge to them that I'm not determined to keep white privilege and others' lack of privilege exactly where they are, that I desire to be a "good guy" in the eyes of average people.
I listened intently to the group's spontaneous comments. About Clinton, one African-American woman said matter-of-factly, as if watching an old movie Western, "Oh, he's a good guy." When Obama said his father may not have been served in a restaurant 60 years ago, I didn't dare look away from the screen but heard more than one thoughtful "Ugh" of understanding. When the commentator mentioned that Biden's wife prefers to teach at community college over prestigious universities, one man murmured, "She's trying to keep it simple, man." Various people clapped spontaneously several times. The only other white person, a woman a few years my senior, stood, teary-eyed, for 40 minutes solid. I grew up and live among Midwestern white stoics, but I became a Spanish major in college partially because I love cultures that show emotion, especially positive emotion.
And there was plenty of positive emotion to go around this morning, listening to Aretha Franklin, Obama, and my fellow citizens for whom the inauguration was even more powerful than it was for me. I was in the right place, at the right time.
As the time neared, one patient asked if the clinic planned to air the inauguration; soon after, one of the employees brought out a television and set it up. Within a few minutes, there were about a dozen of us watching the festivities: seven African-American women, two African-American men, and an Asian couple. I think one of the employees sensed my combination of joy and shyness given the occasion and the group, and made an effort to smile at me several times as if to say, "We understand you may be happy about this, too!" I had the frivolous and self-centered desire to acknowledge to them that I'm not determined to keep white privilege and others' lack of privilege exactly where they are, that I desire to be a "good guy" in the eyes of average people.
I listened intently to the group's spontaneous comments. About Clinton, one African-American woman said matter-of-factly, as if watching an old movie Western, "Oh, he's a good guy." When Obama said his father may not have been served in a restaurant 60 years ago, I didn't dare look away from the screen but heard more than one thoughtful "Ugh" of understanding. When the commentator mentioned that Biden's wife prefers to teach at community college over prestigious universities, one man murmured, "She's trying to keep it simple, man." Various people clapped spontaneously several times. The only other white person, a woman a few years my senior, stood, teary-eyed, for 40 minutes solid. I grew up and live among Midwestern white stoics, but I became a Spanish major in college partially because I love cultures that show emotion, especially positive emotion.
And there was plenty of positive emotion to go around this morning, listening to Aretha Franklin, Obama, and my fellow citizens for whom the inauguration was even more powerful than it was for me. I was in the right place, at the right time.
Friday, February 15, 2008
The Ultimate Poster Child for Family-Friendly Workplaces
I volunteered in my daughter's kindergarten classroom for an hour and a half this afternoon. I work mornings, and Grandma was able to take her little sister, so I jumped at the opportunity to get to know the place our daughter will spend so much of the next six years. I enjoyed helping the kids with their projects and soaking in their distinct personalities, which were so obvious even as they did the same task.
The most poignant moment was when a darling dark-haired boy blurted out, "I wish MY mom would come help in my classroom! I could see her, and say 'hi,' and show her around." I don't know this boy, or whether or not his mom works, or how her boss might have reacted to this earnest child.
I don't know if my response was politically correct, or potentially created false hopes, but if this were my capable, charming son, I would want to know this about him. So I looked him in the eye, smiled, and said, "Really? Maybe she can, sometime. Ask her, and see what she says." He pondered this as he went back to working diligently. I wonder if he told her over dinner tonight; hopefully she was already slotted for next week, and he didn't know it yet.
Economically, it seems to get harder and harder for parents to slip from work to spend time at school or work anything less than very long hours. Workplaces have gained from the skill sets of women and mothers, with great benefit to society. The flipside to this is that the caregivers who used to be more available to aging parents, aunties, and children are pressed for time to spend with their nuclear families, let alone widowed great-aunts. So many adult children of the elders at work live in the metro area, but often a one or two hour drive away, which may as well be four hours during most work weeks. It's scary to ask for an afternoon off in many competitive workplaces. I have heard the sadness and loss in the voices of their 80-something parents more often than I care to recall. They are often grateful to have neighborhood volunteers available for their medical appointments, but openly thrilled when family can take them instead.
It's a little intimidating to volunteer next to the regulars, the SAHMs of multiple students who know the ropes at my daughter's school. Some don't exactly welcome moms in work attire. But if I ever become complacent with knowing little about our daughter's school world, I need only think about her disarmingly honest, dashing classmate.
The most poignant moment was when a darling dark-haired boy blurted out, "I wish MY mom would come help in my classroom! I could see her, and say 'hi,' and show her around." I don't know this boy, or whether or not his mom works, or how her boss might have reacted to this earnest child.
I don't know if my response was politically correct, or potentially created false hopes, but if this were my capable, charming son, I would want to know this about him. So I looked him in the eye, smiled, and said, "Really? Maybe she can, sometime. Ask her, and see what she says." He pondered this as he went back to working diligently. I wonder if he told her over dinner tonight; hopefully she was already slotted for next week, and he didn't know it yet.
Economically, it seems to get harder and harder for parents to slip from work to spend time at school or work anything less than very long hours. Workplaces have gained from the skill sets of women and mothers, with great benefit to society. The flipside to this is that the caregivers who used to be more available to aging parents, aunties, and children are pressed for time to spend with their nuclear families, let alone widowed great-aunts. So many adult children of the elders at work live in the metro area, but often a one or two hour drive away, which may as well be four hours during most work weeks. It's scary to ask for an afternoon off in many competitive workplaces. I have heard the sadness and loss in the voices of their 80-something parents more often than I care to recall. They are often grateful to have neighborhood volunteers available for their medical appointments, but openly thrilled when family can take them instead.
It's a little intimidating to volunteer next to the regulars, the SAHMs of multiple students who know the ropes at my daughter's school. Some don't exactly welcome moms in work attire. But if I ever become complacent with knowing little about our daughter's school world, I need only think about her disarmingly honest, dashing classmate.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Not A Baby Boomer, But Not A Bad Person Either
What does it mean that Google is advertising Ambien on my blog? Does it read like the incoherent musings of someone sleep-deprived? Or that the only readers are those with persistent insomnia? This may come as a shock, but I usually do get enough sleep, and hope all four of my readers do, too; I believe in both caring for others and self-care. I slide into martyrdom occasionally, but try not to make it a habit. (Sorry, Ambien marketeers).
I attended a meeting today of about 12 people, and was the second youngest person in attendance, as usual. I'm used to this, but when an insensitive 20-something was discussed as a "baby," I bristled. This guy sounded like the kind who'll still be a jerk at 50, so I wish they wouldn't chalk it up to his youth. When another person in attendance referred to our whole group as baby boomers, I bristled again. Ageism goes both ways. Don't assume 80-somethings have dementia, and don't assume I'm an insensitive, self-obsessed jerk because I'm not yet 40. Some don't trust anyone over 30; in my business, I know just as many that don't trust anyone UNDER 35. Yet I said nothing, because in this prickly atmosphere, I didn't want to remind the group of my terrible, problematic relative youth.
It's February in Minnesota, and winter has lost most of its charm for most of us. Many of the elders at work are relative prisoners in their own homes, for fear of falling on snow and ice. It's a legitimate fear, too--one of our volunteers badly wrenched his back just this week, and he's a hearty person.
On a more positive note, I'm taking the kids to a family-friendly concert, and today's Friday. To beat the blahs, winter or otherwise, I'm a firm believer in exercise, music, healthy, interesting food, faith communities, and other wholesome institutions. I'm thankful to have young, energetic kids who propel me forward toward the light, even when the days feel a little dark and short. I'll do my best to pay forward their enthusiasm with those who consider ME a kid, at 32!
I attended a meeting today of about 12 people, and was the second youngest person in attendance, as usual. I'm used to this, but when an insensitive 20-something was discussed as a "baby," I bristled. This guy sounded like the kind who'll still be a jerk at 50, so I wish they wouldn't chalk it up to his youth. When another person in attendance referred to our whole group as baby boomers, I bristled again. Ageism goes both ways. Don't assume 80-somethings have dementia, and don't assume I'm an insensitive, self-obsessed jerk because I'm not yet 40. Some don't trust anyone over 30; in my business, I know just as many that don't trust anyone UNDER 35. Yet I said nothing, because in this prickly atmosphere, I didn't want to remind the group of my terrible, problematic relative youth.
It's February in Minnesota, and winter has lost most of its charm for most of us. Many of the elders at work are relative prisoners in their own homes, for fear of falling on snow and ice. It's a legitimate fear, too--one of our volunteers badly wrenched his back just this week, and he's a hearty person.
On a more positive note, I'm taking the kids to a family-friendly concert, and today's Friday. To beat the blahs, winter or otherwise, I'm a firm believer in exercise, music, healthy, interesting food, faith communities, and other wholesome institutions. I'm thankful to have young, energetic kids who propel me forward toward the light, even when the days feel a little dark and short. I'll do my best to pay forward their enthusiasm with those who consider ME a kid, at 32!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Refuting The "Mommy War" Concept
The following is a version (without full names and hometowns) of the feature article from the Spring 2008 Forum, the Mothers and More quarterly publication (http://www.mothersandmore.org/). I found it fascinating to research the experiences of women who have been both stay-at-home moms and full-time work-away moms; there are plenty of implications for social policy and American culture as a whole.
No Doula for These Mothers’ Transition Phases
Childbirth is hardly the only time mothers experience a “transition phase.” Each of the 65 responders to a recent Mothers and More survey has worked full-time since becoming a mother, and had at least one period of stay-at-home parenting. Female flexibility is obvious when our progesterone-softened joints defy physics in childbirth. Yet the psychological adaptations required by common work/care giving changes showcase this flexibility better than any physical transition. Judging by their e-mailed comments, many Mothers and More members are multi-faceted and strikingly flexible. At least half have also had at least one period of part-time paid work in addition to their experience with full-time parenting and full-time paid work while a mother. If at-home parenting and full-time outside work are indeed different cultures with different languages, as some respondents assert, many Mothers & More members are bi-cultural and bi-lingual.
Amy ___is one mother who perceives two different (but not necessarily opposing) cultures: “After first making the transition, I literally felt like I was living in a parallel world that I had heard about but didn't feel a part of….In my experience, working parents and stay-at-home parents are really part of two distinct cultures, and going from one to the other felt a bit like a foreign study experience.”
Kelly ___ also sees two distinct mommy cultures: “I admire the talents of SAHMs the same way I admire the talents of professionals with abilities that I do not.”
A variety of circumstances prompts the transitions from full-time outside work to full-time at-home parenting, which are reportedly less gentle than the transition back into the workplace. Some planned their transitions home for months or years, while others made changes after a personal crisis. Many experienced an emotional, dramatic turning point often related to unsatisfactory daycare settings. Rachel wrote,
"My son was hurt twice in daycare within a month (two trips to the hospital needing six stitches in his head both times). I felt this was a sign to me that it was time to make a change. But being slightly dim, I waited for a couple more signs. One was a chronic illness that I've managed for nearly 20 years flaring to the point where I was on the heaviest medications of my life….The final piece was the earlier death of my father…one of the last times we spoke he said to me, 'raise your son' and these words echoed back to me over the two years to follow to the point that I could only interpret his remarks as a reminder to focus on my family over my career."
Amy __of Chapter --describes another crisis-related transition. "After struggling for a few months, my husband floated the idea of moving to a less expensive state (we lived in New Jersey at the time) by me. I resisted at first since the idea seemed so daunting, but M. contracted a horrible GI bug that was downright scary. I had stopped breastfeeding at six months and used the last of my frozen stash to get her healthy since the pediatrician urged me to do so….It took until Michaela was 18 months old to do all our homework and finally move to our new home."
Heather created a corporate-style visual aid to make a decision to become a SAHM:
"I went to pick-up K. from the sitter…. When I took her, she cried and reached for the sitter….I went home that night and made a spreadsheet of my day’s activities. I found out that I was only 5% of her day and she was not much of mine either….A few weeks later, I resigned my position."
Other survey respondents’ transitions came not out of personal crisis, but as a result of changes in their job or their partner’s income; the birth of additional children; new career opportunities; a cross-country move; prohibitive daycare costs; or a persistent sense of isolation. Many noted that the sense of isolation decreased after becoming active in Mothers and More, although two reported not feeling supported by their local Mothers and More members as they went back to work.
Logical yet taxing transitions
Many respondents report that both they and their families thrived in both lifestyles, reporting no regrets about either life stage, yet even these adaptable mothers found the transition anything but easy.
Collier writes, “I had a difficult time with the transition, having to consciously become aware of and change many of the mothering skills that I had had in place as a working mother. It wasn't easy, and I spent months longing to return to work.”
Cathy also prefers being a SAHM for the present. However, “I NEVER expected to feel this way about being a SAHM. The first [six] months were not easy at all….I am finally loving it after doing it for just over a year.”
These mothers’ comments, like their lives, are complicated and their feelings about their personal mothering/work combinations are often contradictory at any given moment. Most missed their kids while at work and their paid work while at home. Few of them will express a clear preference for one lifestyle or the other, citing the value of making lifestyle choices according to their spouses’ earnings and/or families’ needs at the moment.
Kelly describes a typically complex change: “I was very pleased that I was able to find employment at the same level of pay and benefits that my husband had just lost within a week. I negotiated to work from home two days a week which was a god-send! The other three days, I was commuting 2 1/2 hours EACH WAY! It was killing me, but I was loving every minute. Don't get me wrong....I shed an ocean full of tears about leaving my still-nursing baby. Just because a mother loves to work doesn't mean her heart doesn't ache for her baby.”
Redefining a job well done
Regardless of which lifestyle they prefer for themselves, almost all the respondents missed the concrete positive reinforcement or defined structure of their paid jobs. Erika puts it this way: “…I must say, it was much easier flying 173 passengers through a blinding snow storm with 29 knot crosswinds on a ice covered runway than trying to figure out what your three month old wanted at 2:30 in the morning! At least with the airplane, I could tell it what I wanted and it would respond the way I asked!”
Terri also struggled with changing rewards. “I think the hardest thing is not having the feeling of accomplishment or the recognition of a job well done as a stay at home mom. There are no reviews, no raises to show what kind of job you are doing.”
Almost all the SAHMs report that eventually, they were able to redefine their expectations for a job well done, whether or not they eventually returned to the paid work force. Collier ultimately found happiness in her “mother abroad” experience: “Now, I've gotten over the culture shock, learned the language, and become comfortable in my stay-at-home world.”
In fact, many college-educated, formerly career-minded mothers were pleasantly surprised by how much creativity and pleasure they found in their new duties as SAHMs. Laura “I did not realize how much of my physical, emotional, and creative energies were committed at work until I was able to use 100% of those energies at home.”
Michele explains, “I tried to take housework and cooking to the ‘next level’ and make it special, whether it be a nicer meal or a new way to arrange the furniture, or whatever…. I enjoy working inside the home much more than outside the home.”
Bank accounts, but no paychecks, with their names attached
It is not surprising that monetary issues create stress when one parent’s income doesn’t seem adequate; however, the money-related stress extends even to families with balanced budgets. Many respondents who thoroughly enjoy their SAHM roles report that it is difficult to part with their breadwinner roles, regardless of their partners’ earnings. They value their own mothering work, but many still feel guilty spending money—and the source of that guilt is themselves as much or more than their spouses’.
Sciortino says, “Thankfully, my husband and I have never fought about money. I imagine that could be a huge source of strain otherwise. I just feel better about spending money when I’m adding to our bank accounts--whatever small amount it may be. “
It should be noted that the majority of respondents expressed a long-term preference for part-time paid work, a compromise lifestyle of sorts. Not surprisingly, when they describe the decision to seek paid work on their terms eventually, the word “flexibility” appears again and again.
Laurie writes, “I wouldn’t go back to working full-time, because my husband and I feel it’s important for my daughter to be with me most of the time during these early years…. I also wouldn’t go back to being a full-time SAHM, because my daughter needs the socialization of being with other children and the experience of being away from Mommy and Daddy to build her independence.”
Challenges aside, “no regrets” is a common theme for mothers with diverse work and care giving experience. After adapting their budgets, sources of motivation, relationships, and skills, they take their life lessons to heart as they move into the future with their families. Katie echoes the sentiments of several respondents: “I love being back at work, but I also would not have traded the first year I had at home with my daughter….I feel lucky that I had that SAHM experience, but I have no regrets about my decision to go back to work full time.”
Ultimately, each mother had to find a very personal, unique sense of balance, a balance that lasts only until her next major transition. Dawn is an example of a formerly employed SAHM who knows that there is more “sequencing” to come: “I still have a desire to make my own money and use my talents, so I am trying to figure out what is next.” Kauffman concurs: “I don't think I'll be an at-home mom, forever, though. I feel some part of me is missing, and one day I'll be ready to reclaim that part.”
Going between full-time paid work as a mom to full-time care giving, and often back again, echoes the dramatic transformations of pregnancy. The resilience demonstrated by mothers passing through these whiplash transitions rival the highs and lows of the adoption process. The moms surveyed made the most of various life stages with resourcefulness and extreme flexibility, through some very stressful times. Lifestyle changes will always be part of parenting, and the 65 respondents seem very much up to extreme transitions with no handbook to guide them. Yet many of those who have experienced both extremely demanding full-time jobs and sometimes isolated mothering make it clear that in the future, no matter what combination of duties comprises their week, their ideals are forever sharpened to include what inspires them, what motivates them, and what fits their own unique family’s values.
No Doula for These Mothers’ Transition Phases
Childbirth is hardly the only time mothers experience a “transition phase.” Each of the 65 responders to a recent Mothers and More survey has worked full-time since becoming a mother, and had at least one period of stay-at-home parenting. Female flexibility is obvious when our progesterone-softened joints defy physics in childbirth. Yet the psychological adaptations required by common work/care giving changes showcase this flexibility better than any physical transition. Judging by their e-mailed comments, many Mothers and More members are multi-faceted and strikingly flexible. At least half have also had at least one period of part-time paid work in addition to their experience with full-time parenting and full-time paid work while a mother. If at-home parenting and full-time outside work are indeed different cultures with different languages, as some respondents assert, many Mothers & More members are bi-cultural and bi-lingual.
Amy ___is one mother who perceives two different (but not necessarily opposing) cultures: “After first making the transition, I literally felt like I was living in a parallel world that I had heard about but didn't feel a part of….In my experience, working parents and stay-at-home parents are really part of two distinct cultures, and going from one to the other felt a bit like a foreign study experience.”
Kelly ___ also sees two distinct mommy cultures: “I admire the talents of SAHMs the same way I admire the talents of professionals with abilities that I do not.”
A variety of circumstances prompts the transitions from full-time outside work to full-time at-home parenting, which are reportedly less gentle than the transition back into the workplace. Some planned their transitions home for months or years, while others made changes after a personal crisis. Many experienced an emotional, dramatic turning point often related to unsatisfactory daycare settings. Rachel wrote,
"My son was hurt twice in daycare within a month (two trips to the hospital needing six stitches in his head both times). I felt this was a sign to me that it was time to make a change. But being slightly dim, I waited for a couple more signs. One was a chronic illness that I've managed for nearly 20 years flaring to the point where I was on the heaviest medications of my life….The final piece was the earlier death of my father…one of the last times we spoke he said to me, 'raise your son' and these words echoed back to me over the two years to follow to the point that I could only interpret his remarks as a reminder to focus on my family over my career."
Amy __of Chapter --describes another crisis-related transition. "After struggling for a few months, my husband floated the idea of moving to a less expensive state (we lived in New Jersey at the time) by me. I resisted at first since the idea seemed so daunting, but M. contracted a horrible GI bug that was downright scary. I had stopped breastfeeding at six months and used the last of my frozen stash to get her healthy since the pediatrician urged me to do so….It took until Michaela was 18 months old to do all our homework and finally move to our new home."
Heather created a corporate-style visual aid to make a decision to become a SAHM:
"I went to pick-up K. from the sitter…. When I took her, she cried and reached for the sitter….I went home that night and made a spreadsheet of my day’s activities. I found out that I was only 5% of her day and she was not much of mine either….A few weeks later, I resigned my position."
Other survey respondents’ transitions came not out of personal crisis, but as a result of changes in their job or their partner’s income; the birth of additional children; new career opportunities; a cross-country move; prohibitive daycare costs; or a persistent sense of isolation. Many noted that the sense of isolation decreased after becoming active in Mothers and More, although two reported not feeling supported by their local Mothers and More members as they went back to work.
Logical yet taxing transitions
Many respondents report that both they and their families thrived in both lifestyles, reporting no regrets about either life stage, yet even these adaptable mothers found the transition anything but easy.
Collier writes, “I had a difficult time with the transition, having to consciously become aware of and change many of the mothering skills that I had had in place as a working mother. It wasn't easy, and I spent months longing to return to work.”
Cathy also prefers being a SAHM for the present. However, “I NEVER expected to feel this way about being a SAHM. The first [six] months were not easy at all….I am finally loving it after doing it for just over a year.”
These mothers’ comments, like their lives, are complicated and their feelings about their personal mothering/work combinations are often contradictory at any given moment. Most missed their kids while at work and their paid work while at home. Few of them will express a clear preference for one lifestyle or the other, citing the value of making lifestyle choices according to their spouses’ earnings and/or families’ needs at the moment.
Kelly describes a typically complex change: “I was very pleased that I was able to find employment at the same level of pay and benefits that my husband had just lost within a week. I negotiated to work from home two days a week which was a god-send! The other three days, I was commuting 2 1/2 hours EACH WAY! It was killing me, but I was loving every minute. Don't get me wrong....I shed an ocean full of tears about leaving my still-nursing baby. Just because a mother loves to work doesn't mean her heart doesn't ache for her baby.”
Redefining a job well done
Regardless of which lifestyle they prefer for themselves, almost all the respondents missed the concrete positive reinforcement or defined structure of their paid jobs. Erika puts it this way: “…I must say, it was much easier flying 173 passengers through a blinding snow storm with 29 knot crosswinds on a ice covered runway than trying to figure out what your three month old wanted at 2:30 in the morning! At least with the airplane, I could tell it what I wanted and it would respond the way I asked!”
Terri also struggled with changing rewards. “I think the hardest thing is not having the feeling of accomplishment or the recognition of a job well done as a stay at home mom. There are no reviews, no raises to show what kind of job you are doing.”
Almost all the SAHMs report that eventually, they were able to redefine their expectations for a job well done, whether or not they eventually returned to the paid work force. Collier ultimately found happiness in her “mother abroad” experience: “Now, I've gotten over the culture shock, learned the language, and become comfortable in my stay-at-home world.”
In fact, many college-educated, formerly career-minded mothers were pleasantly surprised by how much creativity and pleasure they found in their new duties as SAHMs. Laura “I did not realize how much of my physical, emotional, and creative energies were committed at work until I was able to use 100% of those energies at home.”
Michele explains, “I tried to take housework and cooking to the ‘next level’ and make it special, whether it be a nicer meal or a new way to arrange the furniture, or whatever…. I enjoy working inside the home much more than outside the home.”
Bank accounts, but no paychecks, with their names attached
It is not surprising that monetary issues create stress when one parent’s income doesn’t seem adequate; however, the money-related stress extends even to families with balanced budgets. Many respondents who thoroughly enjoy their SAHM roles report that it is difficult to part with their breadwinner roles, regardless of their partners’ earnings. They value their own mothering work, but many still feel guilty spending money—and the source of that guilt is themselves as much or more than their spouses’.
Sciortino says, “Thankfully, my husband and I have never fought about money. I imagine that could be a huge source of strain otherwise. I just feel better about spending money when I’m adding to our bank accounts--whatever small amount it may be. “
It should be noted that the majority of respondents expressed a long-term preference for part-time paid work, a compromise lifestyle of sorts. Not surprisingly, when they describe the decision to seek paid work on their terms eventually, the word “flexibility” appears again and again.
Laurie writes, “I wouldn’t go back to working full-time, because my husband and I feel it’s important for my daughter to be with me most of the time during these early years…. I also wouldn’t go back to being a full-time SAHM, because my daughter needs the socialization of being with other children and the experience of being away from Mommy and Daddy to build her independence.”
Challenges aside, “no regrets” is a common theme for mothers with diverse work and care giving experience. After adapting their budgets, sources of motivation, relationships, and skills, they take their life lessons to heart as they move into the future with their families. Katie echoes the sentiments of several respondents: “I love being back at work, but I also would not have traded the first year I had at home with my daughter….I feel lucky that I had that SAHM experience, but I have no regrets about my decision to go back to work full time.”
Ultimately, each mother had to find a very personal, unique sense of balance, a balance that lasts only until her next major transition. Dawn is an example of a formerly employed SAHM who knows that there is more “sequencing” to come: “I still have a desire to make my own money and use my talents, so I am trying to figure out what is next.” Kauffman concurs: “I don't think I'll be an at-home mom, forever, though. I feel some part of me is missing, and one day I'll be ready to reclaim that part.”
Going between full-time paid work as a mom to full-time care giving, and often back again, echoes the dramatic transformations of pregnancy. The resilience demonstrated by mothers passing through these whiplash transitions rival the highs and lows of the adoption process. The moms surveyed made the most of various life stages with resourcefulness and extreme flexibility, through some very stressful times. Lifestyle changes will always be part of parenting, and the 65 respondents seem very much up to extreme transitions with no handbook to guide them. Yet many of those who have experienced both extremely demanding full-time jobs and sometimes isolated mothering make it clear that in the future, no matter what combination of duties comprises their week, their ideals are forever sharpened to include what inspires them, what motivates them, and what fits their own unique family’s values.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Mommy's Getting Radicalized
I schlepped the girls home, in the below zero wind chill, from dinner at a friend's one night this week, and as I used my real body to park in our real driveway, I noticed an enormous, glossy, semi-pornographic female image hanging from the front door. It looked like a Hustler image--a woman with lips parted, heavy eye makeup, apparently climaxing while wearing boxing gloves. Was this some bad joke, I wondered? No, just an ad for some new LA Fitness locations opening in our area.
Sometimes you don't know which straw will break a mother's back. This particular straw inspired some e-mail and phone call rants to the direct mail distributors, LA Fitness, and our local newspaper editorial column. I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but my six year-old can do a pretty good imitation of a feminist's tantrum. It makes me proud, and embarrassed all at the same time.
But bless my dear husband's heart for agreeing to list his name on the editorial alongside mine--he understood that my opinions might be accepted better with a male stamp of approval included. On that note, I heard about a study this week that feminists and their feminist husbands have happier relationships than couples who don't identify with feminism. I was quick to tell my dh about that one.
We're not joining LA Fitness anytime soon. We are, however, walking down to the local outdoor ice rink at least twice a week, the four of us skating and playing ice hockey. Neither of us has a six-pack or a butt worth photographing yet, but it still feels pretty good.
Sometimes you don't know which straw will break a mother's back. This particular straw inspired some e-mail and phone call rants to the direct mail distributors, LA Fitness, and our local newspaper editorial column. I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but my six year-old can do a pretty good imitation of a feminist's tantrum. It makes me proud, and embarrassed all at the same time.
But bless my dear husband's heart for agreeing to list his name on the editorial alongside mine--he understood that my opinions might be accepted better with a male stamp of approval included. On that note, I heard about a study this week that feminists and their feminist husbands have happier relationships than couples who don't identify with feminism. I was quick to tell my dh about that one.
We're not joining LA Fitness anytime soon. We are, however, walking down to the local outdoor ice rink at least twice a week, the four of us skating and playing ice hockey. Neither of us has a six-pack or a butt worth photographing yet, but it still feels pretty good.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Family Jungle at Christmastime
I'm struck every Christmas that I really couldn't tell you definitively who is and isn't part of our family. With whom do we have meaningful connections?
It's a little gray, really. I spent tonight driving 40 miles round-trip to visit my step niece-in-law and her premature twins at a hospital, per the request of her concerned mother and auntie. Technically former step niece-in-law, as my husband's stepmom passed away some years ago. Until tonight, I didn't know these little twins' mom was expecting again. Meanwhile, I don't receive or send a single Christmas card from any of my 63 Irish-American first cousins. Who is family, and who isn't?
This is a Mexican-American family that wears their hearts on their sleeves. They give and expect family loyalty from even shirttail relations. I have to say: I like their style. It's not my birth family's style by any stretch, but I like it.
It's become very apparent that the holidays are stressful for many people, not just cocoa and gift wrapping--between my husband and me, we have one good friend hospitalized with depression; one grandparent hospitalized with a stroke; one baby step nephew seriously ill; one great step aunt recovering from surgery; and one uncle hospitalized with a heart attack. The holidays can be hard on families!
I doubt I'll ever be able to make a list of exactly who I consider our family, but I do hope it's a list that will grow, not shrink, over time. We watched the fascinating documentary Sicko recently, and I'm struck that Americans are so busy working and trying to take care of their families singlehandedly, with very few social supports, that we have little opportunity to enjoy our nuclear families, let alone former step-nieces-in-law in their times of need. I'm hoping to learn some more lessons from this particular branch of our family forest!
It's a little gray, really. I spent tonight driving 40 miles round-trip to visit my step niece-in-law and her premature twins at a hospital, per the request of her concerned mother and auntie. Technically former step niece-in-law, as my husband's stepmom passed away some years ago. Until tonight, I didn't know these little twins' mom was expecting again. Meanwhile, I don't receive or send a single Christmas card from any of my 63 Irish-American first cousins. Who is family, and who isn't?
This is a Mexican-American family that wears their hearts on their sleeves. They give and expect family loyalty from even shirttail relations. I have to say: I like their style. It's not my birth family's style by any stretch, but I like it.
It's become very apparent that the holidays are stressful for many people, not just cocoa and gift wrapping--between my husband and me, we have one good friend hospitalized with depression; one grandparent hospitalized with a stroke; one baby step nephew seriously ill; one great step aunt recovering from surgery; and one uncle hospitalized with a heart attack. The holidays can be hard on families!
I doubt I'll ever be able to make a list of exactly who I consider our family, but I do hope it's a list that will grow, not shrink, over time. We watched the fascinating documentary Sicko recently, and I'm struck that Americans are so busy working and trying to take care of their families singlehandedly, with very few social supports, that we have little opportunity to enjoy our nuclear families, let alone former step-nieces-in-law in their times of need. I'm hoping to learn some more lessons from this particular branch of our family forest!
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Community Is A Quirky Thing
Yesterday was our monthly lunch/speaker series at work. It's always a village effort to feed about 50 neighbors 65+, about 1/3 receiving rides from our volunteer drivers. It's almost always an inspiring symbiosis of personalities and effort, yesterday in particular.
This event, in addition to the diverse collection of luncheon guests, featured live Irish music; Irish step dancing; 20 elementary students from the neighborhood Quaker school who joined us to watch the entertainment; and at least three Jewish volunteers/guests who graciously listened to the talented musicians' explicitly Christian Irish and Scottish folk songs without complaint.
Knowing much about the challenges and sadness in the personal lives of many of our guests--a number who have spent time in transitional care centers (nursing homes) but returned home, a number currently in treatment for depression--made it extra poignant to observe their enjoyment of the quirky drama that is our "Second Tuesday" luncheon.
This blog is to salute all the people who find inspiration to be generous to others in the holiday season, and the other 11 months of the year. I'm still smiling thinking of the quirky quilt that is this neighborhood event.
This event, in addition to the diverse collection of luncheon guests, featured live Irish music; Irish step dancing; 20 elementary students from the neighborhood Quaker school who joined us to watch the entertainment; and at least three Jewish volunteers/guests who graciously listened to the talented musicians' explicitly Christian Irish and Scottish folk songs without complaint.
Knowing much about the challenges and sadness in the personal lives of many of our guests--a number who have spent time in transitional care centers (nursing homes) but returned home, a number currently in treatment for depression--made it extra poignant to observe their enjoyment of the quirky drama that is our "Second Tuesday" luncheon.
This blog is to salute all the people who find inspiration to be generous to others in the holiday season, and the other 11 months of the year. I'm still smiling thinking of the quirky quilt that is this neighborhood event.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Generations, Rural/Urban Balance
I'm feeling a little sentimental after a week in my Midwestern hometown for Thanksgiving. There's nothing like hearing my dad say he ate "Manchurian-some-dam*-thing" at the Chinese restaurant or seeing my niece perform in a play at my old high school. Even though I elect to live in a city 400 miles away, I value feeling rooted to this place. My husband sat through 1.5 hours of family slides spanning 50 years and four generations. These are iconic family images firmly burned into my brain, not unlike the branded calves featured in some, and somehow, having seen them, I think he's more deeply ensnared in the family web. At one point during the slide saga, our five year-old's cousins tried to entice her to play, and she refused, declaring righteously, "No! I've always wanted to see what it was like when my mommy grew up!" She is an endearing little suck-up, that one.
I should mention that it's all a little extra bittersweet because our mom passed on about 2.5 years ago. Connecting to my hometown is connecting to where she lived almost her entire life. I'm appreciating people there, including my aunts, uncles and cousins, more than I ever could as a stir-crazy teenager eager to move on. So much of what we urban yuppie parents work so hard to recapture is so innate there--community, tradition, belonging to a spiritual/religious group, firmly defined values, kids doing meaningful work at an early age, storytelling, fresh air and time outside. Not all of their firmly defined values are still mine today, and some new ones I've come to feel strongly about aren't as easy to locate there as some places, but I admire them still.
It takes constant mindfulness to retain the best of our parents' and grandparents' lifestyles, while being open to the contributions of our children and grandchildren. I love hearing my moms' brothers say my three year-old looks just like their late grandma. I muddle this balancing act of the best of the old and new all the time; I'm just grateful I have inspiring examples before me, and after me, to work with.
I should mention that it's all a little extra bittersweet because our mom passed on about 2.5 years ago. Connecting to my hometown is connecting to where she lived almost her entire life. I'm appreciating people there, including my aunts, uncles and cousins, more than I ever could as a stir-crazy teenager eager to move on. So much of what we urban yuppie parents work so hard to recapture is so innate there--community, tradition, belonging to a spiritual/religious group, firmly defined values, kids doing meaningful work at an early age, storytelling, fresh air and time outside. Not all of their firmly defined values are still mine today, and some new ones I've come to feel strongly about aren't as easy to locate there as some places, but I admire them still.
It takes constant mindfulness to retain the best of our parents' and grandparents' lifestyles, while being open to the contributions of our children and grandchildren. I love hearing my moms' brothers say my three year-old looks just like their late grandma. I muddle this balancing act of the best of the old and new all the time; I'm just grateful I have inspiring examples before me, and after me, to work with.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Mothers and More article
The following is the text of a feature article I wrote for the Summer 2007 Forum, the national publication of Mothers and More, an outstanding national advocacy organization for mothers (http://www.mothersandmore.org/). I thought I'd share it with an audience wider than the M and M membership, as the stories of the moms interviewed are timely and interesting.
For A Few Lucky Moms, The New Life/Work Balance
In many literary and historical accounts of stay-at-home moms, their side jobs are portrayed as a forced, pragmatic action in the face of unexpected economic hardship. The phrase “having to take in washing,” suggests that at-home mothers in bygone eras sought out part-time work only under duress.
But in 2007, having a home-based side job is a hard-won goal of many at-home moms, including some who could live comfortably on their partners’ incomes. In this dream, today’s mother works a few hours a day in her home office while in the adjoining room, her bilingual children build a scale model of a peaceful village featuring a mosque, a church, and a temple. These dreamy siblings without rivalry interrupt their mother only for the occasional hug, kiss, or architectural critique. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, they spend the day with their doting grandmother, no daycare center required.
Kim Comatas of Farmingham Area, Massachusetts Chapter 95 was one mom who saw herself enjoying the 2000 version of having it all. However, she was disillusioned more than once in her transition to motherhood. “I thought I'd be able to work part time a few days from home, but that didn't happen. My employer went back on their original offer after I had the baby.”
Comatas turned to buying and selling on eBay as her second job. She managed to bring it about $200/week for 20 hours of work. However, she writes, “It was a big misconception when I thought I could work on the computer while the kids played quietly in the other room. The biggest surprise was the room I left to enter items onto eBay was not the same room I returned to!”
Molly Remer, an unchaptered member from Rolla, Missouri, echoes the sentiment that flexible, home-based work comes with its own stressors. She writes, “(I was surprised by) “how difficult it is to balance even fairly small work commitments with motherhood.” Since Remer quit her full-time job, she has sold the following, mainly via the internet: used books; self-published booklets; doll accessories; handmade soap and body products, and baby slings. She has also served as a survey participant, Childbirth Educator, Assistant Director of an intensive annual craft school, and postpartum doula.
Remer writes, “The challenge of managing these other jobs with also taking care of my babies is pretty significant! I have learned to prioritize and "trim" the money-making ideas/commitments that I'm not truly enthusiastic about.” Remer articulates her family’s ultimate work/life goals this way: “My anticipation of future work life and earnings for both my husband and myself was to have a primary home-based life, pursuing personal interests with small businesses and volunteer work, and generating sufficient income for a simple life….So, far we have not yet been able to free my husband from ‘wage slavery’ to join the rest of us at home, but that is what we're working towards!
In a survey, 85% of Mothers and More members said their ideal work situation would be less than 30 hours per week. According to surveys by Work & Family Connection, Inc., working parents in search of a work/life balance want “the ability to alter the time at which they start and end their workday” the most (80% of respondents’ polled). The next wish would be the ability to work from home (70%). One-third would like to work less or share a job (www.workfamily.com). It is not terribly surprising that many employed mothers would like to work less. What did surprise me was my recent realization that that almost all the voluntarily at-home moms I know would accept a part-time job if it were in their field of interest and compatible with their children’s schedules.
A CNN.com article would suggest that a work life Comatas’ or Remer’s is definitely the way to go. ”More than 70 percent of independent professionals report being "very satisfied" with their work situation, according to a new survey by conducted by national polling firm Penn Schoen & Berland, compared with just over 50 percent of salaried employees.” (Bills, Steve. “Freelancers found happier.” Nov. 8, 2000. CNNMoney.com).
For most mothers, especially outside the Mothers and More demographics, the work part-time from home dream remains just that, a dream. Given the cost of health insurance housing in safe areas with good public schools, most families have few options but to work two full-time jobs. According to The Two Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Parents are Going Broke by mother/daughter economists Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi, our unique modern ability to buy cheap, plentiful consumer goods and technology is deceiving. Mass production allows us to afford many things, but these gadgets are small consolation for families whose incomes have actually decreased in relation to the cost of housing and health insurance in recent decades. The authors even have a name for this misconception, in a chapter called “The Over-consumption Myth.”
Clearly, the moms who make the latest life/work dream work for them are a resourceful and fortunate minority. Among those employed at lower wages, only 4% even have the option of working any hours at home. Only a slightly higher 11% of higher wage earners have this option. (“What Workplace Flexibility is Available to Entry Level, Hourly Employees?” Families and Work Institute, November 2006).
Erika Armstrong of Evergreen/Mountain Community, Colorado Chapter 169 was eventually able to transition to independent, family-friendly work that even enabled her husband to quit his traditional job. Armstrong’s family’s income was cut by two-thirds when she quit her job as a commercial pilot. She describes the decision to quit her job after working 15 years to become a captain as “gut-wrenching.” However, she has no regrets. Today, her husband runs the small home builder warranty management company she began upon entering parenthood. They have two employees. Using an old barn on their property to board horses brings in additional income, as well as pleasure for their daughters. She describes her life as “Nothing fancy but we’ve found a great way to make a living and we’re both home at the end of the day!”
Even among the families who can afford an unpredictable second income, independent work-from-home arrangements are not easy to come by. Some professions lend themselves to the home office better than others. Writers and graphic designers pop up over and over in the mompreneur stories.
Tracy Salmon of Columbus, Ohio, Chapter 51 is keenly aware of the difficulties that come with fitting work around primary responsibility for childcare. She knew the change in her work hours would impact her family financially. In fact, she “expected to be poor.” She works as a Registered Nurse five ten hours shifts every two weeks while her husband or parents care for her children. Combining her income with her husband’s full-time work, they are able to meet the children’s needs but not to save. “There is no extra!” she writes. She adds, “My employer is one of the largest home care companies in the U.S. and still they have no regard for a SAHM. I am scheduled for mandatory meetings on my days off and told I cannot bring my children.”
Gina Kasmerski of Twin Cities East, MN Chapter 299 had a less disillusioning transition to flexible part-time work. Her prior company hired her to be a part-time project manager for 15 months after she became a mother. “It was terrific because I was able to work out of my home office in the odd hours that I wasn't ‘mommying’ and learn some new skills to boot,” she comments. Midway through that role, she was recruited to do some consulting work by an associate from 10 years previous. As a result, she formed a very small consulting business, leaving her confident and hopeful about an eventual return to full-time work with pay to rival her colleagues who didn’t opt out of traditional corporate life for several years. By her own admission, Gina is very fortunate, both in terms of personal fulfillment and family budgeting. Gina’s family is able to devote her income to long-term goals and savings.
For Amy Coffey of Green Bay, Wisconsin Chapter 179, fitting work around full-time motherhood is turning into a return to her college major and her dream of being an art teacher. On September 11, 2001, she was a highly paid and pregnant employee of an investment firm in the Sears Tower in Chicago. “As my workplace became a target for terrorists, I instantly knew that I could never return to work there.” Her family took advantage of her husband’s promotion to Minnesota, where the family scaled back so she could become at-home mom. Her own itch to go back to work part-time, when her youngest was 18 months old, surprised her. It took a long time to figure the right part-time jobs. At first, she earned additional income by providing childcare in her home and at her church. After another move and encouragement from a friend, she now has three part-time jobs she loves: in retail at a scrapbook/stamping/beading store, where she hopes to teaching craft classes; as a Parent/Child swim teacher; and in her own business, her true passion, Art Fun with Amy. “I teach toddler and preschool art classes, with an emphasis on the process and having fun. My college degree is Elementary Education, so I’m thrilled to be finally doing something with my teaching background!”
For the past five years, I have considered myself a very blessed part timer. I work 20 hours per week, flex hours, for a non-profit. I have lots of variety and autonomy, and my hourly wage is competitive with my past life as an unhappy junior high teacher.
Like most part timers, I have the luxury of enjoyable part-time work only because I am married to someone with a traditional job, someone willing to take on solo morning parenting as well as carry our health insurance through full-time work on the evening shift. As someone who would love to be an at-home mom, I put a high value on at least being able to take the girls from my husband by 1:30 every day. A few moms, whose children are in childcare, have told me that they envy my family’s arrangement. Yet ironically, my ability to avoid the Supermom routine hinges on my husband’s willingness to be Superdad.
I am a typical part-time employee in that I do not have health insurance or retirement through my small, otherwise progressive non-profit. I do have a small health stipend, sick time, vacation time, and even compensatory time. We would much rather have one larger income, leaving me free to cook more “slow food” family dinners and dabble in free-lance writing. Yet the moral of The Two Income Trap lurks in my head: One major accident or sickness could endanger our middle-class status. Without my job, we would eat but forgo emergency savings, retirement, life insurance, and disability insurance. Nor would we be able to help my sister, my single mother counterpart, on occasion.
Despite its drawbacks, part-time and home-based work can be a positive experience. Many Mothers & More members—Tracy, Erika, Amy, Gina--expect their sense of purpose and fulfillment to come from both plenty of hours with their children each day and at least some outside paid work each week, whether or not their financial contributions are absolutely necessary. But as long as both part-time paid jobs and care giving are undervalued by employers, Social Security statements and even relatives, it will take a collection of factors to achieve a satisfying combination. Some of the factors that help are multi-tasking, momprenuership, partners who carry our health insurance and cook, and endless creative problem solving.
Amy Coffey sent me a late-night e-mail as I wrote a second draft of this article. She wanted to let me know that her part-time positions are on hold while her family adjusts to her son’s diagnosis of juvenile diabetes. She said I might not want to use her story in light of this news. On the contrary, her situation illustrates an important reality: when family needs arise, moms with flexible part-time jobs can rise to the occasion without endangering their families’ economic well-being. For this, Coffeys is grateful. “It is nice to have some flexibility - especially with my own business.”
Still, Comatas offers encouragement to moms who want this particular version of “having it all: “I would encourage other moms to find what brings them joy and excitement…. Call your favorite store, and ask if they're hiring. Be specific about your desires for a job, and the number of hours you're willing to work. Work for companies that have daycare on site for free (like the YMCA) and are flexible when your kids are sick, or start classes in your home….Don't be afraid to try something new. Don't forget that being a SAHM itself is a HUGE job and the most important one of all!”
I'd love to hear your experiences of combining work and caregiving!
--Ponka93
For A Few Lucky Moms, The New Life/Work Balance
In many literary and historical accounts of stay-at-home moms, their side jobs are portrayed as a forced, pragmatic action in the face of unexpected economic hardship. The phrase “having to take in washing,” suggests that at-home mothers in bygone eras sought out part-time work only under duress.
But in 2007, having a home-based side job is a hard-won goal of many at-home moms, including some who could live comfortably on their partners’ incomes. In this dream, today’s mother works a few hours a day in her home office while in the adjoining room, her bilingual children build a scale model of a peaceful village featuring a mosque, a church, and a temple. These dreamy siblings without rivalry interrupt their mother only for the occasional hug, kiss, or architectural critique. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, they spend the day with their doting grandmother, no daycare center required.
Kim Comatas of Farmingham Area, Massachusetts Chapter 95 was one mom who saw herself enjoying the 2000 version of having it all. However, she was disillusioned more than once in her transition to motherhood. “I thought I'd be able to work part time a few days from home, but that didn't happen. My employer went back on their original offer after I had the baby.”
Comatas turned to buying and selling on eBay as her second job. She managed to bring it about $200/week for 20 hours of work. However, she writes, “It was a big misconception when I thought I could work on the computer while the kids played quietly in the other room. The biggest surprise was the room I left to enter items onto eBay was not the same room I returned to!”
Molly Remer, an unchaptered member from Rolla, Missouri, echoes the sentiment that flexible, home-based work comes with its own stressors. She writes, “(I was surprised by) “how difficult it is to balance even fairly small work commitments with motherhood.” Since Remer quit her full-time job, she has sold the following, mainly via the internet: used books; self-published booklets; doll accessories; handmade soap and body products, and baby slings. She has also served as a survey participant, Childbirth Educator, Assistant Director of an intensive annual craft school, and postpartum doula.
Remer writes, “The challenge of managing these other jobs with also taking care of my babies is pretty significant! I have learned to prioritize and "trim" the money-making ideas/commitments that I'm not truly enthusiastic about.” Remer articulates her family’s ultimate work/life goals this way: “My anticipation of future work life and earnings for both my husband and myself was to have a primary home-based life, pursuing personal interests with small businesses and volunteer work, and generating sufficient income for a simple life….So, far we have not yet been able to free my husband from ‘wage slavery’ to join the rest of us at home, but that is what we're working towards!
In a survey, 85% of Mothers and More members said their ideal work situation would be less than 30 hours per week. According to surveys by Work & Family Connection, Inc., working parents in search of a work/life balance want “the ability to alter the time at which they start and end their workday” the most (80% of respondents’ polled). The next wish would be the ability to work from home (70%). One-third would like to work less or share a job (www.workfamily.com). It is not terribly surprising that many employed mothers would like to work less. What did surprise me was my recent realization that that almost all the voluntarily at-home moms I know would accept a part-time job if it were in their field of interest and compatible with their children’s schedules.
A CNN.com article would suggest that a work life Comatas’ or Remer’s is definitely the way to go. ”More than 70 percent of independent professionals report being "very satisfied" with their work situation, according to a new survey by conducted by national polling firm Penn Schoen & Berland, compared with just over 50 percent of salaried employees.” (Bills, Steve. “Freelancers found happier.” Nov. 8, 2000. CNNMoney.com).
For most mothers, especially outside the Mothers and More demographics, the work part-time from home dream remains just that, a dream. Given the cost of health insurance housing in safe areas with good public schools, most families have few options but to work two full-time jobs. According to The Two Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Parents are Going Broke by mother/daughter economists Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi, our unique modern ability to buy cheap, plentiful consumer goods and technology is deceiving. Mass production allows us to afford many things, but these gadgets are small consolation for families whose incomes have actually decreased in relation to the cost of housing and health insurance in recent decades. The authors even have a name for this misconception, in a chapter called “The Over-consumption Myth.”
Clearly, the moms who make the latest life/work dream work for them are a resourceful and fortunate minority. Among those employed at lower wages, only 4% even have the option of working any hours at home. Only a slightly higher 11% of higher wage earners have this option. (“What Workplace Flexibility is Available to Entry Level, Hourly Employees?” Families and Work Institute, November 2006).
Erika Armstrong of Evergreen/Mountain Community, Colorado Chapter 169 was eventually able to transition to independent, family-friendly work that even enabled her husband to quit his traditional job. Armstrong’s family’s income was cut by two-thirds when she quit her job as a commercial pilot. She describes the decision to quit her job after working 15 years to become a captain as “gut-wrenching.” However, she has no regrets. Today, her husband runs the small home builder warranty management company she began upon entering parenthood. They have two employees. Using an old barn on their property to board horses brings in additional income, as well as pleasure for their daughters. She describes her life as “Nothing fancy but we’ve found a great way to make a living and we’re both home at the end of the day!”
Even among the families who can afford an unpredictable second income, independent work-from-home arrangements are not easy to come by. Some professions lend themselves to the home office better than others. Writers and graphic designers pop up over and over in the mompreneur stories.
Tracy Salmon of Columbus, Ohio, Chapter 51 is keenly aware of the difficulties that come with fitting work around primary responsibility for childcare. She knew the change in her work hours would impact her family financially. In fact, she “expected to be poor.” She works as a Registered Nurse five ten hours shifts every two weeks while her husband or parents care for her children. Combining her income with her husband’s full-time work, they are able to meet the children’s needs but not to save. “There is no extra!” she writes. She adds, “My employer is one of the largest home care companies in the U.S. and still they have no regard for a SAHM. I am scheduled for mandatory meetings on my days off and told I cannot bring my children.”
Gina Kasmerski of Twin Cities East, MN Chapter 299 had a less disillusioning transition to flexible part-time work. Her prior company hired her to be a part-time project manager for 15 months after she became a mother. “It was terrific because I was able to work out of my home office in the odd hours that I wasn't ‘mommying’ and learn some new skills to boot,” she comments. Midway through that role, she was recruited to do some consulting work by an associate from 10 years previous. As a result, she formed a very small consulting business, leaving her confident and hopeful about an eventual return to full-time work with pay to rival her colleagues who didn’t opt out of traditional corporate life for several years. By her own admission, Gina is very fortunate, both in terms of personal fulfillment and family budgeting. Gina’s family is able to devote her income to long-term goals and savings.
For Amy Coffey of Green Bay, Wisconsin Chapter 179, fitting work around full-time motherhood is turning into a return to her college major and her dream of being an art teacher. On September 11, 2001, she was a highly paid and pregnant employee of an investment firm in the Sears Tower in Chicago. “As my workplace became a target for terrorists, I instantly knew that I could never return to work there.” Her family took advantage of her husband’s promotion to Minnesota, where the family scaled back so she could become at-home mom. Her own itch to go back to work part-time, when her youngest was 18 months old, surprised her. It took a long time to figure the right part-time jobs. At first, she earned additional income by providing childcare in her home and at her church. After another move and encouragement from a friend, she now has three part-time jobs she loves: in retail at a scrapbook/stamping/beading store, where she hopes to teaching craft classes; as a Parent/Child swim teacher; and in her own business, her true passion, Art Fun with Amy. “I teach toddler and preschool art classes, with an emphasis on the process and having fun. My college degree is Elementary Education, so I’m thrilled to be finally doing something with my teaching background!”
For the past five years, I have considered myself a very blessed part timer. I work 20 hours per week, flex hours, for a non-profit. I have lots of variety and autonomy, and my hourly wage is competitive with my past life as an unhappy junior high teacher.
Like most part timers, I have the luxury of enjoyable part-time work only because I am married to someone with a traditional job, someone willing to take on solo morning parenting as well as carry our health insurance through full-time work on the evening shift. As someone who would love to be an at-home mom, I put a high value on at least being able to take the girls from my husband by 1:30 every day. A few moms, whose children are in childcare, have told me that they envy my family’s arrangement. Yet ironically, my ability to avoid the Supermom routine hinges on my husband’s willingness to be Superdad.
I am a typical part-time employee in that I do not have health insurance or retirement through my small, otherwise progressive non-profit. I do have a small health stipend, sick time, vacation time, and even compensatory time. We would much rather have one larger income, leaving me free to cook more “slow food” family dinners and dabble in free-lance writing. Yet the moral of The Two Income Trap lurks in my head: One major accident or sickness could endanger our middle-class status. Without my job, we would eat but forgo emergency savings, retirement, life insurance, and disability insurance. Nor would we be able to help my sister, my single mother counterpart, on occasion.
Despite its drawbacks, part-time and home-based work can be a positive experience. Many Mothers & More members—Tracy, Erika, Amy, Gina--expect their sense of purpose and fulfillment to come from both plenty of hours with their children each day and at least some outside paid work each week, whether or not their financial contributions are absolutely necessary. But as long as both part-time paid jobs and care giving are undervalued by employers, Social Security statements and even relatives, it will take a collection of factors to achieve a satisfying combination. Some of the factors that help are multi-tasking, momprenuership, partners who carry our health insurance and cook, and endless creative problem solving.
Amy Coffey sent me a late-night e-mail as I wrote a second draft of this article. She wanted to let me know that her part-time positions are on hold while her family adjusts to her son’s diagnosis of juvenile diabetes. She said I might not want to use her story in light of this news. On the contrary, her situation illustrates an important reality: when family needs arise, moms with flexible part-time jobs can rise to the occasion without endangering their families’ economic well-being. For this, Coffeys is grateful. “It is nice to have some flexibility - especially with my own business.”
Still, Comatas offers encouragement to moms who want this particular version of “having it all: “I would encourage other moms to find what brings them joy and excitement…. Call your favorite store, and ask if they're hiring. Be specific about your desires for a job, and the number of hours you're willing to work. Work for companies that have daycare on site for free (like the YMCA) and are flexible when your kids are sick, or start classes in your home….Don't be afraid to try something new. Don't forget that being a SAHM itself is a HUGE job and the most important one of all!”
I'd love to hear your experiences of combining work and caregiving!
--Ponka93
Friday, September 28, 2007
My Hubby Truly Enjoys Hockey Against a 2 y/o
Long time, no blog. I bet all three of my regular readers are just crushed!
My husband introduced himself after I did at our parent/child class this week. I mentioned that my professional/personal lives converge in terms of general "caregiving issues," and it touched me when he mentioned that as a respiratory therapist/a.m. dad, his two lives converge this way as well. He's always been a great dad, but he's enjoying the role and taking ownership of it more each year. To put it a little cornily, he's exploring more of his full humanity beyond gender stereotypes. He can cook and help little kids get ready for school so much better than six years ago. (But make no mistake: still very into hockey and paying absolutely zero attention to fashion--some manly things never change).
Anyone who's been married/partnered for more than a couple years has probably had the chance to marvel at a partner's growth in some area or another. It's a definite perk of long-term relationships. I can't imagine what my grandmother felt when Grandpa died, after 60 years of marriage together. Frankly, I'd rather not.
Friends coming for dinner--gotta run. Luckily close friends who won't mind that it's a rather thrown-together, spontaneous menu in a not-yet-clean house.
My husband introduced himself after I did at our parent/child class this week. I mentioned that my professional/personal lives converge in terms of general "caregiving issues," and it touched me when he mentioned that as a respiratory therapist/a.m. dad, his two lives converge this way as well. He's always been a great dad, but he's enjoying the role and taking ownership of it more each year. To put it a little cornily, he's exploring more of his full humanity beyond gender stereotypes. He can cook and help little kids get ready for school so much better than six years ago. (But make no mistake: still very into hockey and paying absolutely zero attention to fashion--some manly things never change).
Anyone who's been married/partnered for more than a couple years has probably had the chance to marvel at a partner's growth in some area or another. It's a definite perk of long-term relationships. I can't imagine what my grandmother felt when Grandpa died, after 60 years of marriage together. Frankly, I'd rather not.
Friends coming for dinner--gotta run. Luckily close friends who won't mind that it's a rather thrown-together, spontaneous menu in a not-yet-clean house.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Oh, the needs out there!
It's one of those days where I see the world through crimson-tinted glasses; that is, a quasi-social worker's awareness of all the human needs that could keep us all busy a long time. Among the people I spoke with today:
*someone in chronic pain caring for a spouse with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
*an illiterate, undocumented day laborer from another country, disappointed that I'm unable to act as his caseworker as well
*a hardworking person who can't work outside the home because his/her stroke-survivor spouse needs 24-hour care, so they're behind on bills
*a cancer patient whose best friend died very suddenly this week
These are just some of the stories that make me impatient with people who complain of boredom, or a missing sense of purpose. Volunteermatch.org, baby. Whether you like to write grants, shovel snow, design websites for charitable organizations, or visit homebound people, there's work that needs done. It's amazing what could get done by cutting out a few hours of TV watching a week.
So now I've exposed myself for the brown-haired Pollyanna I am. And here's my idea for the day: Wal-mart Co. should pay for at least five full-time social workers to serve the customers and employees at each store location, because every time I'm in that store (FOR WORK, to help people get their meds, never my own choice), I overhear people talking about overdue rent; people obviously in poor health picking up their meds; people caught shoplifting; people treating their children badly; people buying cheap plastic things that might make our children sick; people who look completely depressed or stressed out; people loitering for what looks like hours in front of the store. 10 minutes at that particular Wal-mart is more depressing for me than a whole day on the phone with some of the people in situations above. If Wal-mart stores concentrate that much misery in one place, and profit from it, they should address some of the issues people bring in.
"Welcome to Wal-mart! Can I help you access mental health care or apply for food stamps?"
And yes, systems change to eliminate some of the REASONS so many are poor, depressed, sick, lonely, etc., would be even better. I get that.
*someone in chronic pain caring for a spouse with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
*an illiterate, undocumented day laborer from another country, disappointed that I'm unable to act as his caseworker as well
*a hardworking person who can't work outside the home because his/her stroke-survivor spouse needs 24-hour care, so they're behind on bills
*a cancer patient whose best friend died very suddenly this week
These are just some of the stories that make me impatient with people who complain of boredom, or a missing sense of purpose. Volunteermatch.org, baby. Whether you like to write grants, shovel snow, design websites for charitable organizations, or visit homebound people, there's work that needs done. It's amazing what could get done by cutting out a few hours of TV watching a week.
So now I've exposed myself for the brown-haired Pollyanna I am. And here's my idea for the day: Wal-mart Co. should pay for at least five full-time social workers to serve the customers and employees at each store location, because every time I'm in that store (FOR WORK, to help people get their meds, never my own choice), I overhear people talking about overdue rent; people obviously in poor health picking up their meds; people caught shoplifting; people treating their children badly; people buying cheap plastic things that might make our children sick; people who look completely depressed or stressed out; people loitering for what looks like hours in front of the store. 10 minutes at that particular Wal-mart is more depressing for me than a whole day on the phone with some of the people in situations above. If Wal-mart stores concentrate that much misery in one place, and profit from it, they should address some of the issues people bring in.
"Welcome to Wal-mart! Can I help you access mental health care or apply for food stamps?"
And yes, systems change to eliminate some of the REASONS so many are poor, depressed, sick, lonely, etc., would be even better. I get that.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Feeling A Little Raw
I'm still reeling a bit today from a conversation I had with another mom yesterday. If I understood her point through her high emotions, I think it was, "You're not qualified to have opinions on breast pumps because you didn't work as many hours away as I did." I wasn't trying to be any final authority, but rather mentioned what worked for me when the topic came up. This is someone I respect, and enjoy, as a woman and fellow mom, and I didn't see the attack coming.
I think my incredibly wise friend who happens not to have children summarized it best when she said, "There's so much pressure on moms today to be perfect that it makes people crazy!" As an occasionally crazy mom, I think she nailed the phenomenon. It's a little scary out there in mass media parenting land.
But no time to work--I'm off to a meeting about services we offer for caregivers of elders. I wonder, do baby boomers caring for elder parents experience the same subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) competition? Anyone want to comment?
I think my incredibly wise friend who happens not to have children summarized it best when she said, "There's so much pressure on moms today to be perfect that it makes people crazy!" As an occasionally crazy mom, I think she nailed the phenomenon. It's a little scary out there in mass media parenting land.
But no time to work--I'm off to a meeting about services we offer for caregivers of elders. I wonder, do baby boomers caring for elder parents experience the same subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) competition? Anyone want to comment?
Monday, September 10, 2007
New Beginnings
Our first baby boarded the big yellow school bus to kindergarten last week. She's on cloud nine, in love with the whole experience. She's too self-conscious to freeze-dance in front of her classmates, but otherwise, her confidence is soaring. Her dad and I are thrilled for her. She feels so ready to take on a whole host of new challenges: reading, writing, dealing with bullies, making friends, and more.
My sister and I went to a workshop tonight on chemical abuse by elders, and one of the best points made by the speaker was that contrary to popular belief, you can teach an "old dog" new tricks; more respectfully put, like kindergarteners, older people can learn and change in significant ways, even kicking a long-standing drug habit.
While I pray she'll never have to kick a drug habit, I sure like to think that our daughter's eyes will still be sparkling with discovery and possibility even when those eyes are framed by lots of wrinkles!
I propose we begin regarding everyone else--at every age--much as if they were a kindergartener:
My sister and I went to a workshop tonight on chemical abuse by elders, and one of the best points made by the speaker was that contrary to popular belief, you can teach an "old dog" new tricks; more respectfully put, like kindergarteners, older people can learn and change in significant ways, even kicking a long-standing drug habit.
While I pray she'll never have to kick a drug habit, I sure like to think that our daughter's eyes will still be sparkling with discovery and possibility even when those eyes are framed by lots of wrinkles!
I propose we begin regarding everyone else--at every age--much as if they were a kindergartener:
- chock full of potential,
- with some annoying habits learned from their families, and the media
- still learning some of the rules,
- but capable of tremendous growth if we just care for them at their level.
At the risk of oversimplification, just imagine how we could all change for the better if approached with a kindergarten teacher's perspective!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Summer's A Good Season For Root Growth
The summer has flown, but I'm pleased to say we've met our primary goal of feeling at home in the new house and neighborhood. We continue to meet nice neighbors of all ages, or get to know them better, every week, and are pretty enthused with the church we've found. It was frankly an incredibly stressful, arduous process to buy and sell houses in a coordinated way, so if we did have buyers' regret at this pont, we'd probably be pretty bitter! The process pushed our organizational skills and physical stamina to the limit, along with presenting some parenting challenges helping the kids transition. Just ask my husband and kids how crabby I got at times, if you don't believe me.
At work, I know lots of elders with the urge to move, but many are not comfortable with the internet (for housing research, getting rid of things, and more), and physically aren't up to all the labor involved in moving. Some feel stuck as a result. If anyone's looking for a new non-profit concept, it would be free/sliding fee moving management. There's plenty of pricey help available, but so many can't afford it.
Happy late summer to all. May you find yourself in a safe, positive home, whatever it is.
At work, I know lots of elders with the urge to move, but many are not comfortable with the internet (for housing research, getting rid of things, and more), and physically aren't up to all the labor involved in moving. Some feel stuck as a result. If anyone's looking for a new non-profit concept, it would be free/sliding fee moving management. There's plenty of pricey help available, but so many can't afford it.
Happy late summer to all. May you find yourself in a safe, positive home, whatever it is.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
The Red Tape Hits Home
There has been an interesting turn of events this week related to our toddler's speech disability. We learned that we may actually have a shot at therapy covered by insurance, to supplement the 1 time/week from the school district. Several phone calls later, (to our clinic, her current therapist, our insurance, her prospective therapist, to my sister for moral support) we're awaiting the verdict and hopeful. I'm just bitter our two year-old may have missed out on months of frequent therapy because the health insurance literature was deceiving.
I kind of take her delayed speech for granted on a daily basis; we have our ways of communicating, and she's generally happy. But when I start seeing her preschool peers later this month, I know it'll hit home that we're missing out on knowing what she's thinking more. There's a hard-of-hearing stroke survivor at work who seems so incredibly peaceful and trusting in those such as her husband and me when we communicate on her behalf. I'm kind of amazed she isn't more frustrated; if her husband weren't the sensitive, intuitive partner he is, her life might be hell. When I don't adequately intuit our two year-old's feelings and say them aloud for her, as in, "You really wanted your sister to share that, didn't you?" she breaks down in alligator tears that break my heart.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that our daughter will continue to find her voice, and that those of us able to communicate can pick up on the important things some can't say.
I kind of take her delayed speech for granted on a daily basis; we have our ways of communicating, and she's generally happy. But when I start seeing her preschool peers later this month, I know it'll hit home that we're missing out on knowing what she's thinking more. There's a hard-of-hearing stroke survivor at work who seems so incredibly peaceful and trusting in those such as her husband and me when we communicate on her behalf. I'm kind of amazed she isn't more frustrated; if her husband weren't the sensitive, intuitive partner he is, her life might be hell. When I don't adequately intuit our two year-old's feelings and say them aloud for her, as in, "You really wanted your sister to share that, didn't you?" she breaks down in alligator tears that break my heart.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed that our daughter will continue to find her voice, and that those of us able to communicate can pick up on the important things some can't say.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Caregivers of All Ages, Unite!
There's a Sandra Boynton children's song, "I Need A Nap." It runs through my head a lot, because it's catchy, and because I'm often fantasizing about a nap. After attempting to cut through the red tape keeping people from things such as health insurance, walkers that fit, and clinic visits, I'm having trouble switching gears to be Mommy Again.
I had to cut a work call short because of "my next appointment." I often don't tell the social worker or caregiver on the phone that my next appointment is to go home to the kids, so my husband can take his turn at work. Some people seem surprised, even disappointed, that I work only part-time. When I have reason to explain my hours, in order to schedule an appointment, for example, I intentionally adopt a matter-of-fact, confident tone: "I work half-time, mornings." It is not a stretch for me in my work role to advocate for caregivers, because most of every day, I am a hands-on primary caregiver. My care recipients are both under six, unlike the 70, 80, and 90+care recipients at work, but I still believe we have more in common than not. I'm excited about the national conversation about caregiving that's getting a little louder all the time.
On that note, I'm off to do dishes before the kids finish their show. (The one hour a day of TV time they're allowed seems to fly by!)
I had to cut a work call short because of "my next appointment." I often don't tell the social worker or caregiver on the phone that my next appointment is to go home to the kids, so my husband can take his turn at work. Some people seem surprised, even disappointed, that I work only part-time. When I have reason to explain my hours, in order to schedule an appointment, for example, I intentionally adopt a matter-of-fact, confident tone: "I work half-time, mornings." It is not a stretch for me in my work role to advocate for caregivers, because most of every day, I am a hands-on primary caregiver. My care recipients are both under six, unlike the 70, 80, and 90+care recipients at work, but I still believe we have more in common than not. I'm excited about the national conversation about caregiving that's getting a little louder all the time.
On that note, I'm off to do dishes before the kids finish their show. (The one hour a day of TV time they're allowed seems to fly by!)
Friday, August 24, 2007
Am I Hip Enough to Blog?
A Toddler On My Hip, as I Talk On The Phone about Someone’s Hip Replacement…
Who wants to read the daily to weekly musings of a suburban mom/urban social worker? Seriously—not a rhetorical question. Because I’m itching to get back to writing, and thinking a blog might provide just enough structure and stimulation to get me going. At any given time, my heart and mind are busy with the very young (our two daughters) or the very old (the elders served by the non-profit where I work mornings). It’s a pretty rich life in terms of vicarious human experience, but I’m all too often too rushed or preoccupied to appreciate all of it. I have almost perfect autonomy, and take it for granted. (I feel guilty about that—I may be Protestant in practice, but my Catholic guilt is alive and well!)
The constant exposure to the two age extremes is a somewhat unusual existence for someone in her early thirties, especially considering that I have almost no contact with my actual age peers (outside my husband). Our kids aren’t in school yet, and our opposite childcare/work schedules with no outside childcare don’t exactly make for a hopping social life. If it weren’t for listening to talk radio while I drive, and occasional internet news, I’d be even more illiterate in pop culture outside of child development or gerontology. I’m happy to have a strong nuclear family, but honestly, we could use a little more contact with the outer electrons.
But enough about my own navel-gazing. I’m hopeful this blog can ultimately be less navel-gazing, more shared illuminations of life’s challenges and graces as I get to witness them through the elders and our kids. Today, unable to reach something on the top shelf of the fridge, my daughter sighed, “It’s so hard being little.” Unable to reach something in the bottom drawer of the dresser, some elders at work have sighed, “Old age isn’t for sissies.” At a life stage where I can reach the top and the bottom shelves, my occasional sighs are accompanied by the refrain, “Can I finally stop multi-tasking and just live?” My serene, well-balanced retired neighbor commented in passing that she didn’t have large flower gardens until her kids were older. I hear the cautionary note in her gentle, non-threatening conversation. She’s already noticed I’m often too busy pruning the roses to smell them. I love it when she admires my kids, because it helps me appreciate their beauty and promise anew.
Sometimes, I leverage work experience as a mother. “Honey, if you don’t brush your teeth well enough, you’ll have dentures and those never fit comfortably!” Or I leverage mothering experience at work. “How are you sleeping? Are you eating fresh vegetables?” There is a certain symbiosis created by exposure to the two age extremes; I honestly don’t miss the presence of people my age. I actually abhor the mainstream culture’s way of cutting childhood short, but, paradoxically, extending adolescence. Throw out the Legos just so you can spend the next 20 years obsessing over self-image and popular culture? No thank you. And yes, I’m aware I could keep a therapist busy at least a few months delving into my own adolescence, but I don’t have time and our health insurance plan, like everyone else’s these days, is actually pretty chintzy.
The two year-old wants to play Elmo--gotta run.
Who wants to read the daily to weekly musings of a suburban mom/urban social worker? Seriously—not a rhetorical question. Because I’m itching to get back to writing, and thinking a blog might provide just enough structure and stimulation to get me going. At any given time, my heart and mind are busy with the very young (our two daughters) or the very old (the elders served by the non-profit where I work mornings). It’s a pretty rich life in terms of vicarious human experience, but I’m all too often too rushed or preoccupied to appreciate all of it. I have almost perfect autonomy, and take it for granted. (I feel guilty about that—I may be Protestant in practice, but my Catholic guilt is alive and well!)
The constant exposure to the two age extremes is a somewhat unusual existence for someone in her early thirties, especially considering that I have almost no contact with my actual age peers (outside my husband). Our kids aren’t in school yet, and our opposite childcare/work schedules with no outside childcare don’t exactly make for a hopping social life. If it weren’t for listening to talk radio while I drive, and occasional internet news, I’d be even more illiterate in pop culture outside of child development or gerontology. I’m happy to have a strong nuclear family, but honestly, we could use a little more contact with the outer electrons.
But enough about my own navel-gazing. I’m hopeful this blog can ultimately be less navel-gazing, more shared illuminations of life’s challenges and graces as I get to witness them through the elders and our kids. Today, unable to reach something on the top shelf of the fridge, my daughter sighed, “It’s so hard being little.” Unable to reach something in the bottom drawer of the dresser, some elders at work have sighed, “Old age isn’t for sissies.” At a life stage where I can reach the top and the bottom shelves, my occasional sighs are accompanied by the refrain, “Can I finally stop multi-tasking and just live?” My serene, well-balanced retired neighbor commented in passing that she didn’t have large flower gardens until her kids were older. I hear the cautionary note in her gentle, non-threatening conversation. She’s already noticed I’m often too busy pruning the roses to smell them. I love it when she admires my kids, because it helps me appreciate their beauty and promise anew.
Sometimes, I leverage work experience as a mother. “Honey, if you don’t brush your teeth well enough, you’ll have dentures and those never fit comfortably!” Or I leverage mothering experience at work. “How are you sleeping? Are you eating fresh vegetables?” There is a certain symbiosis created by exposure to the two age extremes; I honestly don’t miss the presence of people my age. I actually abhor the mainstream culture’s way of cutting childhood short, but, paradoxically, extending adolescence. Throw out the Legos just so you can spend the next 20 years obsessing over self-image and popular culture? No thank you. And yes, I’m aware I could keep a therapist busy at least a few months delving into my own adolescence, but I don’t have time and our health insurance plan, like everyone else’s these days, is actually pretty chintzy.
The two year-old wants to play Elmo--gotta run.
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